Sparkly PeensTeenage Dreams: A Twilight Crackfic
by HeartOfDarkess
Summary: Bella eats nuts on a plane, and before long finds herself in a town where there are way too many goodlooking people.  Twilight crackfic, short chapters.  Rated M for madness. Nominated for several Tomato Soup Awards. A very OOC BxE
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: After a sleepless night, I woke up with this little crackfic in my head. It's short, and stupid and in small drabbles (well small for me, but probably longer than some). I hope you like it!**

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 1 – EATING NUTS**

Life's a bitch and then you die. Or, so I've heard. I mean, life had been pretty yawn-worthy up until now, so I couldn't imagine what was in store for me when one day, I got so tired of listening to my Mom and Phil humping every night that I decided to go live with my father.

It was to be a decision that would change my destiny. Yeah…go ahead…say 'woo!'

So after eating nuts, listening to the woman next to me snore all flight and pretty much drool all over my new white shirt, my dad Charlie picked me up from the airport, in his police cruiser of all things. Talk about cool. But, Charlie being Charlie…he didn't even put on his siren when I asked. I mean, Jesus, when I cracked my head open as a kid and they called the ambulance, those guys used the siren then!

"Jesus Dad, alright. I just thought you'd like us to get out of this traffic a bit sooner," I huffed as I folded my arms.

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. The only way I'd use this siren is if Dunkin Donuts moved into town," he answered logically.

Smart man, my dad. But weird as shit.

**A/N: I will try to post this daily!**


	2. Chapter 2

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Thanks for your response to this! This one's a bit longer…cos I can't shut up!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 2 – PURPLE'S COOL**

We arrived at the place I vaguely remembered as a child. Well I kind of remembered it…it seemed a whole lot smaller than I recalled, but it seemed so familiar somehow, I was sure I vaguely recalled seeing it on TV or something.

Shrugging, Charlie got out my bags and we headed toward the house. "Shit, Dad!" I shouted as I banged my head on the doorway, nearly causing the fake rock 'hide-a-key' to fall off the doorframe. "Either I've grown three feet since two summers ago, or this house has shrunk with all the rain." He laughed and I followed him inside, mumbling the words 'too much chicken with hormones,' under his breath.

I followed him up the stairs, the timber of them groaning under me, and I realised if I was ever going to sneak out of here, I'd have to climb out of my bedroom window.

"Your room," he said as I nearly knocked him over trying to walk past him. It hadn't changed much since I was here last, and this time I remembered to lower my head, a little envious that Charlie walked in without having to duck at all.

"Purple's cool…it'll match the bruise that's now forming on my broad forehead," I said, looking at my bed, knowing that my feet would hang over the edge. Yeah, I was an Amazon, but my six feet five frame was nothing compared to my thick ankles. I was a bit overweight too, but carried it well and as I stood there, towering over my much shorter father, pricking my finger on the cactus I didn't realise I was holding in my gargantuan hand, all I wanted was to be alone so I could watch all four seasons roll by in one song.

Having no idea where that thought came from, I placed the plant on my nightstand and checked my finger, knowing that if I saw one drop of blood I'd go into a frenzy, and that was something I could never do in front of my father. Relieved that there was no trace of the red, hot liquid, I sat on the bed and shrugged before adding, "I mean, besides being the only child of parents who were forced to marry because they were pregnant. That's pretty cool too. And don't get me started on the whole single parent thing. My friends back in Phoenix were soooo jealous!"

Charlie scratched his head before he strode over and opened the window, which squeaked even louder than the stairs. Was the whole world against me sneaking out at night and meeting up with some random boy, only to be knocked up and forced to marry?

"It's not your fate," he whispered mysteriously before adding, "and I don't think that the tree branch out there will hold your weight anyway."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" I snapped.

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Anyway…I think I'll let you settle in, because I think you're PMSing a little bit, and besides, it's not time in the story for us to feel comfortable around each other yet. That doesn't really come into play until the end of this book…and don't get me started on when you get depressed in the next…"

I shot him a quizzical stare. What the fuck was he rambling on about?

"But I can see you're not ready for that. Anyway, I have to get ready to work at ungodly hours now because all the crime in this town apparently happens after midnight," he complained.

He left me to my own devices, and as I stared wistfully at the tree outside I had to admit, even though he hit the nail on the head with the whole purple thing, the little guy, who would look so much better without a moustache, truly was the epitome of weird.

**Ya with me? Let me know!**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Thanks for your response to this! This one's even longer. Ah well.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 3 – MUD PIES**

I found myself unable to sleep that night because of the fucking incessant rain that I was sure would bring out all the leeches, and I hated anything that sucked blood. It was mine, and no-one else was having a drop of it! Other than leeches though, I was pretty cool with any other cold, wet thing. As I stared out the window, still trying to decide if that branch would take my weight, I smiled as I recalled one cold, wet thing I loved. My bottle of lube. Before I got the chance to reach for my nightstand and get all cold and wet, the most hideous truck I'd ever seen, red, rusted and an obvious gas guzzler appeared in our driveway.

Charlie walked outside and waved at me to come down, and as I headed down the porch steps, I was greeted by some dude in a wheelchair, and a short, tiny built pre-pubescent guy.

"Hi Bella. I'm Jake and that's my dad, Billy. You remember me? We used to make mud pies together because our parents couldn't be bothered to buy us toys," he said in a high voice as he looked up at me. Either this guy was lucky to be twelve, or his testicles hadn't descended yet, but I managed a smile as I watched the guy in the wheelchair take off his shirt, nearly gagging as he showed off his saggy old body, while Charlie playfully smacked him around the head a few times before kissing him square on the lips.

"Jesus, are they always like that in public?" I asked, wanting to blush but being unsuccessful.

"Shirtless?" Jake asked. I nodded. "Your dad…not so much, but mine? Never stops doing it. Dad, will you stop it with taking off your shirt all the time? I think you're embarrassing Bella!" Jake chastised Billy, embarrassed.

"Sorry son, but you know I'm trying to get you used to what's to come…you know…removing your shirt when you go to gay clubs and all…" Billy said.

"For the last time, Dad, I don't play a twink in this, and it's too early to take my shirt off yet! It's like he's waiting for me to turn into something I clearly am not!" he grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"You know it's your destiny, Jacob. Sooner or later you'll go into a 'roid rage, just like the Incredible Hulk, and then it will happen!"

Before I could ask Billy exactly what he meant, Charlie scooped Billy up into his arms, kissing him intensely before carrying him up the stairs. And that's when a realisation hit me.

"Oh, so that's why Mom and Dad divorced! Mom never was one to remove her shirt in public. Obviously showing her thong off under her hipster shorts wasn't enough to keep them together," I sighed, also realising why he kept his moustache.

Jake handed me the keys to the rust bucket before saying, "Your dad was supposed to tell you that this was a gift for you, and my dad was supposed to say your dad hasn't stopped talking about your arrival, but I guess it's up to me to say it since they've gone off to fuck."

"This death trap is mine?" I asked.

"Sure is," Jake answered with a wide smile, showing a row of crooked yellow teeth. He immediately covered his mouth and added, "Sorry. They hardly paid me anything to be in this part, but you wait till the next one. I'm way taller and get all these muscles once I start taking steroids. And don't get me started on the perfect white teeth I'll have!"

Poor kid. He was obviously going through the awkward teenage stage. Between that and a father who always took his shirt off, he must be sooo embarrassed!

"So, will you be driving to school with me? I can't possibly rock up in this monstrosity. Won't you please pretend it's yours so the other kids don't tease me?" I begged.

"No freakin way, Bella. Kids with a bit part like mine aren't allowed to go to Forks High School. I go to school on the reservation that is so unimportant, you won't ever see it. It's really just a way to keep me away from you during the day so you can get into a bit of trouble with some of the other kids at your school."

"Huh? I really don't understand," I said, more than confused by everything he just said.

"Oh it's nothing to be concerned about, and don't worry about the kids at that school. You're the leading lady…so you not only get accepted at the 'Home of the Spartans'," he said with air quotes, "you'll be the centre of their world. In fact, you'll be in every scene because, after all, it's all from your point of view. Come on, Bella. Let's get in the truck so I can make myself feel superior by showing you how this truck works and get one of my few close-ups."

Having no idea what he was actually trying to say, I shrugged and squeezed my body into the truck, thankful he didn't get me a Mini. He then proceeded to do just as he promised, treating me like a dumbass as he showed me where the clutch and brakes were, before reaching up and giving me a condescending pat on the head as I started the hunk of junk up on my very first try.

As the car groaned and popped, I wondered if the kids at school the next day would be any less weird than Jake. And what was the deal with Billy being shirtless?

**A/N: So…?**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: After a sleepless night, I woke up with this little crackfic in my head. It's short and stupid and in small drabbles (well small for me, but probably longer than some). I hope you like it!**

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 4 – BUTT PLUGS**

I fell asleep hugging my bottle of lube, wondering what sort of place I'd landed myself into. I dreamt of giant bottles of lube and a strange glittery jizz as I woke up with a start, thinking about my first day at a new school.

After preparing a small breakfast for two of eggs, sausage, bacon, pancakes, hash browns and toast, Dad met me in the kitchen, his walk making him look like he had a pole up his butt. Or, something else.

"Dad, are you okay? I have some lube if you need it," I said as I finished off his breakfast as well as my own.

"Thanks, but that's not the problem. My butt's a little tight and Billy's just a little too well endowed. Besides, this butt plug's one size larger than I'm used to. I should've known it was a waste of money 'upsizing', but it only cost two dollars more, and they even threw in a large Mountain Dew. But, no pain, no gain…right?" He scowled at me after noticing the food was all gone, and I just shrugged while he got himself a coffee.

"I guess. So, this thing with Billy and upsizing is new, then?" I asked.

"Yeah. We only hooked up just last night…or rather plugged up. Of course he's paralysed from the waist down, so in theory he can't get an erection or even ejaculate, but we're defying that and trying sex tonight because it's a fictional story."

"Well good for you! But what story are you talking about?" I asked, not feeling one bit awkward that we were discussing his sex life, but confused, wondering what the 'story' was he was referring to.

"I'm really not sure, Bella, but it was as if I never existed before you arrived the other day, and it somehow feels as though we're in a story, that's all," he said vaguely with a shrug, his expression telling me he was looking to change the subject. "Oh well, I'm off to work. Have a great day at school, and don't forget to take a spare bottle of lube just in case," he said, gingerly walking toward the door, grabbing his gun and one of those round, inflatable butt pillows.

"I have a travel size tube for emergencies, thanks. Oh, and thanks for talking to me about your sex life. I'm always soooo interested to know every single detail," I said with a genuine smile as I picked up my school bag and followed him outside, making sure the hide a key was easy to see before I shut the door behind me. Even though I was a virgin myself, well as far as being with a person instead of a toy was concerned anyways, I felt thrilled that my Dad cared enough about me to check that I was ready to lube up at a moment's notice. A couple of tears spilled from my poo-coloured eyes, and I fantasised that my eyes were actually blue-green and I was only wearing contacts as I headed for the truck.

"Yeah, me too. Oh, and by the way, I bought you some new tyres for your death trap. They cost more than the entire thing's worth, but I had to buy them because you're not meant to die in a car crash…at least…this truck won't be involved in any car accident to do with you. Other vans and such…well I'm not so sure about."

"Thanks Dad. I'll be sure to run over as much black ice as I can…maybe aim for a few pedestrians, hit every pothole I can find…all just to test that theory of yours out," I said as I took a step closer and put my foot through a patch of ice that lay across the path, not really knowing what I was saying, but deciding to go with the flow on the whole tyre thing for my own safety.

"Well, would you look at that? If you didn't eat for two and weren't the size of an elephant, you would have slipped on that instead of cracking it under that huge foot of yours," he noted as I shook the ice off my shoe, not feeling one bit self-conscious that my father had basically called me fat. I watched him as he opened the door to his cruiser and let out a yelp when he got in and sat down. More tears flowed as my heart welled with pride at the thought of how sensitive Charlie was, and that he was losing his virginity tonight.

I squeezed in my truck and started it up, just as the rain began to pour heavily as if on cue, wondering about my first day at school…and whether or not my Dad would ever walk straight again…

**A/N: Tomorrow, Bella arrives at school. Thoughts?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: After a sleepless night, I woke up with this little crackfic in my head. It's short and stupid and in small drabbles (well small for me, but probably longer than some). I hope you like it! Just a quick note to say THANK YOU! Your reviews have absolutely blown me away and cracked me up! Hahaha! Seriously! **

**Don't forget the Junkin for Joplin auction on 1****st**** July! The link to the blog is on my profile page, and I'll be contributing a Twilight one-shot, any pairing, anything the bidder wants! Head on over peeps! On there is also a link to the FB Fundraisers page.**

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 5 - TWI-MOMS WITH ROCKIN BODS DO IT BETTER**

Well, of course things didn't get any easier when I arrived at school. I mean, could that kid Jacob have given me any more of an eyesore as my mode of transport? And don't get me started on the loud fucking muffler, or the new tires. Now someone was soooo gonna strip it for parts! So, as I pulled into the parking lot of the place I felt I'd spend more time at than home, rolling my eyes as I attracted everyone's attention because I parked in the disabled parking space, some kid said, "Nice ride…but do you have a sticker displayed?" Confused, and too lazy assed to park further away, I opened the door and got out, but before I could ask him to explain he added, "Oh sorry, I can see you're special…no need to explain."

"Special? Gee, thanks!" I said, relieved, spotting the signs to the administration building.

I walked up the stairs that everyone seemed to be congregating around, and headed into the office. I was greeted by a pretty, fat, red-headed woman who had a shirt that said 'Twi-Moms Do it Better' on it, and below that was this picture of some guy with a lot of hair and scary looking eyes underneath, and the sight of him stretched across her humungous bazongas caused me to stop in my tracks. I gasped as I stared at the warped depiction of this Twi-Mom guy, and then back at the middle aged woman. I mean, was this some sort of alternate universe where women worshipped men that were half their age...dressing like teenagers...wearing t-shirts that were meant for young girls? I'd never heard of such a thing!

"Oh he's so sexy, don't you think?" she said as she poked her titties toward me, the evil looking eyes of the guy getting even bigger as she heaved her chest forward.

"Huh? Who?" I asked dumbly. I just couldn't answer in that precise moment…her humongous boobs had me mesmerised. I briefly wondered if they had their own zip code, and how big her nips were.

"Jesus, has this one been living under a rock or something?" she muttered before raising her voice and staring at me, her glare demanding I tear mine away from her boobs and toward her face. "I'm Mrs Cope, dear. You must be the new special…I mean, student, Isabella Swan," she said slowly, yelling each word.

I smiled and stuck my finger in my ear, realising that her high pitched voice had loosened the earwax nicely, and that she was the second person that I'd met who'd called me 'special'. This school sure was friendly, and as I briefly studied the wax I dug out of my ear canal before sniffing it and wiping it on my jeans, realising it wasn't a keeper, she crinkled her nose and at the same time, dropped some of the papers on the floor. I suddenly was face to face with her jean clad ass, which was wide and round, and was immediately jealous. This woman had a rockin bod!

"Yes, I am," I answered finally, realising she'd busted me staring at her ass. What? I'm not a lesbian! I just know fine flesh when I see it!

"Jesus, I didn't our new arrival was going to be _this_ special," she uttered under her breath as she rose and shuffled the papers in her hand before placing them in front of her.

"Wow you're soooo nice! Thanks for the compliment," I said, giggling at her kindness, causing her her mouth to hang open.

"Err, what?" she asked, cocking her ear, seemingly confused by my statement. As she continued to stare at me as though I had a third eye and webbed feet, I felt stupid all of a sudden. Of course, with her obvious age, the woman was probably deaf as she stood there, dumbfounded. I should've known when she didn't even flinch when the first bell rang.

Poor thing obviously forgot her hearing aid, but I had no time to waste.

"I need my schedule!" I bellowed, mouthing the words slowly and with precision.

"Here. Even though you're making me feel uncomfortable with your behaviour, thanks for adding me to this scene. It was supposed to cut to the bit where you try to find your first class," she shrieked, causing me to run for the door. As I headed outside, looking lost and confused, I was relieved I didn't have to speak with her any longer…my throat was getting sore from all the yelling. It was just as well I had the lube on hand…I didn't want to end up going home sick on my first day...

**A/N: Have you ever seen Big Fat Greek Wedding? The father on that uses Windex to cure everything. In this story, lube does the same, JSYK. Thoughts? Should I give up the ghost or keep writing this? I have no plan for this…I just write whatever comes into my crazy head each afternoon. Hehe. See you tomorrow! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Don't forget the Junkin for Joplin auction on 1****st**** July! The link to the blog is on my profile page, and I'll be contributing a Twilight one-shot, any pairing, anything the bidder wants! Head on over peeps! On there is also a link to the FB Fundraisers page. Just so you know, this story is very loosely based on a mix of the Twilight book and movie, but I'm not following the story precisely. I'm just taking the piss out of some of bits of it...and in no particular order. LOL.**

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 6 - BOOGERS AND GUM**

A gush of air nearly knocked me over as I opened the office door and forced my way out, thankful that the doorways were higher here, only to be accosted by some strange kid whose haircut just didn't suit him. I hoped he'd change it for the next book, as it just didn't frame his face well.

"Now everyone's got me saying it," I mumbled, confusing myself for a moment as I wondered where that thought came from.

"You must be Isabella Swan. Hi I'm Eric Yorkie, your resident stalker and guy who pines for girls but never has the balls to ask them out…oh and I work for the school paper. You're big news baby," he said as he caught up with me while I had my head down and tail up, trying to get away from the guy. Unfortunately my heavy legs always slowed me down.

"Baby? I thought that quote was from another movie…you know…'nobody puts baby in the corner'?" I said with a nervous eye roll.

"Oh yeah. I gotta stop doing that. We don't want to get our famous movie quotes mixed up now, do we? Anyway, I wanted to do a feature on you, since the teens in this school are not newsworthy because they defy all statistics by having nothing wrong with them."

"Please…don't," I begged as we walked by the parking lot before we stopped and I looked down at the guy, giving him my best puppy dog eyes. I didn't mind being the centre of attention, but at the same time, I really didn't like this guy's hair and really wanted to get away from him.

He spotted my truck, which surprisingly was still in one piece as it sat in the disabled parking space.

"That your ride?"

"Uh-huh," I answered.

"Jeez then…okay…no feature. I don't think that anyone would want to read about our newest 'special' student anyways."

"Thanks! Well…I'd best be off to class…"

"Stalker, remember? I'll walk you there," he said before rambling on as he ran beside me. "Anyway, just to tell you a bit about me, I'm the guy who kinda digs you, but ends up settling for another girl (in the movie, not the book) because I'm in a long line of boys who want to fuck…I mean…take you out on a date," he said.

"I don't date guys with strange hair," I said, striding out quickly, every one of my paces taking him three to keep up. This guy was odd, and I was embarrassed, but as much as I wanted to blush, as usual, it just didn't happen.

He burst out laughing and said, "You don't? Well this should be interesting…because if you don't like guys with strange hair…well…"

"What?" I questioned. He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, his two seconds of silence telling me he wasn't about to elaborate.

"You'll see. Anyway…as much as I'd like you to accept, we're not meant to be together even though I still give it a shot. Besides, it's not my turn to half try and hit on you just yet, but when I do, I have to admit I make one hell of a lame attempt. I just figured I'd let you know about what's in store, in case you wonder why I try to piss on you later on. You see, Mike's got better aim than me...oh and a bigger bladder, so I've got no chance. Little does he know he doesn't either, but that's neither here nor there," he snickered, and even as I picked up my pace to a sprint, wanting to get to my first class as quickly as possible, he still kept up with me.

The guy was so hyper, I was sure he was on something.

"Who the fuck is Mike?" I asked, suddenly worried as I absorbed what he said. Sounded like the boy was the resident bed wetter, and I wasn't about to become the social outcast on my first day by hanging out with someone that smelt of stale urine.

"He's the annoying guy you won't be able to get rid of for the rest of the story," he said, looking at me as if I was crazy as we arrived at our first class, and he sat right next to me in the middle of the room.

Before I could ask him what the fuck he meant by the 'story' everyone I met seemed to talk about, the bell sounded once more, and everyone began to stare and whisper, and no matter how much I tried to hide under my crazy, long brown hair, because no one gets reddish brown hair unless they get it from a bottle, which I sniffed to check if I stank, and which I was sure I'd cut and have to wear a wig to give me the same look someday, they continued to stare and whisper.

I took a mental deep breath, having nearly run out of air after that one…long…paragraph, briefly wondering if it was beta'd, whether it would've had one or two full stops added.

Eric cleared his throat to attract my attention and stared at my nose at the same time. I decided to do a quick booger check, and low and behold, I had a massive one sticking out of my left nostril. I shoved my finger up my nose, picked it and flicked it, and it landed perfectly on top of Eric's stupid hair. Realising what had happened, he touched his head and studied his finger, gagging at the sight of my huge lump of snot, and I realised that if I could get gum in his hair sometime before this so-called 'story' ended, I'd be able to get him to cut it. In that moment I knew I'd have no further trouble from Eric Yorkie, and I laughed while at the same time, people shot me glances of approval, as if agreeing with my idea.

Cankles, nose picking and all, I was in, no doubt about it...

**A/N: Ya still with me?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Glad you're enjoying my warped sense of humour! Some of the reviews are cracking me up hahahaah!**

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 7 – THE BITCH AND THE BED WETTER**

In the period just before lunch, I was subjected to the torture of gym. I'd played a bit of volleyball back in Phoenix, but when I knocked out the captain of the opposing team with my best spike, I was banned from ever playing again.

As soon as I stepped onto the court, dressed in the standard grey sweats, all the little bitches dressed in their tight little gym shorts made me feel stupid, until they talked and it came out as a cacophony of mumbles as if they were a bunch of movie extras. I smiled when I noticed they were a bit blurry and their senseless utterances didn't reach my ears, making me realise they weren't that significant and were merely part of the background.

Before I had time to think about where that all came from, and in fact it felt as though I was in the middle of a game even though I'd just arrived, the other team served and the ball headed straight for me. I returned it with a massive spike which hit some guy in the nuts over on the next court, my superhuman strength effectively ending my game before it started.

"Oh dear God!" he cried like a baby as he dropped like a sack of potatoes, clutching his crotch as he fell.

I walked over and stood above him, not really knowing what to do, but trying to blush unsuccessfully nonetheless.

"Sorry," I said. "Don't know my own strength."

"Jesus, what's your problem you idiot! You just made me pee my pants!" he cried before he looked up at me, a pained look on his face. "Oh, sorry. You're Isabella right?" He stood up shakily, covering his wet crotch at the same time.

"Bella, actually," I answered, trying to stop myself from peeing my pants with laughter as he looked up at me with widened eyes.

"_You're_ the girl I'm supposed to like? Um, well…jeez…okay. I remember that part of the script now, but you're nothing like I imagined, but I guess you're the only one with experience and I'm an unknown…but I don't know...I wonder if the director got this one right. Anyway I'm Mike Newton." Ignoring his incoherent utterings, I watched as he reached out to shake my hand, his palm soaked with wee, and I cringed, the smell of urine heavy in the air. I immediately knew who this boy was.

The bed wetter.

I took a step back, wanting to be out of the range of his out of control hose before I was soaked from head to toe.

"Wow, if she can make you piss your pants this easily, she must have some spike, Mike!" a girl with bottle dirt blond hair, thin lips and sharp features chimed in as she came into focus and approached, giving me a look of disdain and smiling stupidly at Mike before she took a deep breath and continued.

"I'm Jessica by the way, and in my huge head, I'm the most popular bitch here. You'll do well to follow me like a lost puppy, just like Angela, who you'll meet at lunch, listen to me when I talk and pretty much shut up the rest of the time. Do not attract attention to yourself, and for God's sake, don't have an individual thought or idea. You will conform to the group dynamic, speak only when spoken to, and know your place as the new girl on the fringe, trying to break into the popular clique. Oh and don't try to hook up with boys I like or run away from me when we go to the movies, even though you tell me we're going shopping. I mean, really? Who the hell does that to the most popular bitch in town?"

My mouth fell open as I watched this weird but admittedly pretty girl ramble, but before I could open my mouth to try and give her some semblance of an answer, she continued. "Hey, you're from Arizona right?"

"Yeah. And let me guess, you've lived here all your life and haven't sought treatment for your obvious ADD?" I answered condescendingly.

"No, I haven't! What did you say? Annnnnyway, aren't people from Arizona supposed to be like…really tanned?" She looked me up and down, and though I knew I should normally feel self-conscious, I sensed she was a little jealous of my exquisite build…the scrawny little thing she was.

"I guess that's why they kicked me out. That…and I was banned from playing volleyball there. Oh and don't get me started on Mom and Phil's humping. That's what really made me move here, along with the fact that if I didn't, from what people have said, there wouldn't be a story. So here I am, and people have been soooo nice so far." I realised I was rambling a bit myself, and Jessica's eyes widened as she watched me speak.

"Oh, wait a minute! I heard about you! You're that _special_ girl, aren't you? Of course being locked away means you wouldn't have the chance to get outside. You're so white you're nearly shiny! You don't even have any colour in your cheeks, and don't get me started on your eyes. Is that the colour of poo I see?" she asked as she looked into my eyes.

"Yes, I'm special, and yes…my eyes are poo-coloured!" I answered as Mike shook his head and mumbled something about 'being a good actor so that he can hit on the special girl' under his breath.

She giggled and added like a crazy person off on some strange tangent, "I can tell I'm going to have fun introducing you around, Bella, because all the boys are going to hover around you like flies to shit. It's a shame our friendships not going to last long, but because you don't know anyone else in the beginning and will feel inferior until you make friends, you try to crawl up my ass to be accepted for the next scene anyway." She stroked my arm before she turned away, leaving me to ponder what sort of place this actually was…

**A/N: Next stop, the cafeteria! Go ahead…say 'woo'! lol. Are ya still with me and my insanity? Hello? Drop me a line so I keep going! **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Glad you're enjoying my warped sense of humour! Some of the reviews are cracking me up hahahaah! This is a shorter one, as I want to say a bit in the next chapter…**

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 8 – SLOPPY JOES AND SLOPPY SECONDS**

By the time lunch came around, I strolled into the cafeteria as if I owned it. The bitch and the bed wetter followed, and I headed to the line and wondered briefly if I should pick up an apple and a salad, cos I thought it might be interesting to give people the impression I had an eating disorder, just to give myself a chance to become even more popular.

But, that wasn't me. At least, I didn't think so. Mind you, the woman writing this seems to be winging it an awful lot, so who knows who I am? Confusing myself beyond words, I finally decided to get a Sloppy Joe and a Coke, relieved that the English git Jamie Oliver hadn't gotten to this school with his healthy school snack ideas.

"A masterpiece…mumble mumble…Jesus, Bella, hurry up and get over here so I can say something that makes sense…something about pyramids falling from the sky," Eric said as I hurried to the table where he sat so I wouldn't have to listen to his stupid mutterings any longer.

Mike pulled out a chair for me and mumbled something about it being 'his pleasure', thankful that he'd changed his wet pants, gasping as I spotted the girl that sat next to Eric. She was so thin she looked as though a light breeze would snap her in two, wore thick glasses and had a bad case of acne. God! Did _everyone _here have to be so beautiful?

"I see you've met my 'special' home girl," Eric said to Mike, the strained look on Mike's face telling me if he was standing, he'd be doing the pee-pee dance. I slid my chair away, moving closer to the girls. And no, I'm still not a lesbian!

"Everyone, this is the shiny new toy. Be careful not to wear her out, so we can all get a crack, eh?" Eric said with a laugh as the boy who complimented my ride earlier leant in and licked my cheek.

"My girl…but I'll settle for sloppy seconds sometime after I nearly run her over," the dark-skinned boy said as he dragged Mike's chair out from underneath him. Mike took off after him, and as much as I wondered about the 'running over' remark, I couldn't be more relieved that the air smelled like body odour instead of urine once more.

"I'm Angela, and I'm one of the lost puppies Jessica so eloquently speaks of. I surround myself with bitches, pricks of guys and girls who are shyer than me so I come across nicer than pie. You like pie, right? Good. Well just let me take your picture, even though I know how shy you are and how you probably hate being the centre of attention, alright?"

"Nice to meet you. I don't mind being the centre of attention at all. And don't get me started on how I sooo love surprises. You're the first person I kind of feel comfortable with, even though you just won't put that fucking camera down. I mean, is that a phallic symbol or what?" I asked, staring wide-eyed at the massive telephoto lens.

"How did you guess? I'm sexually frustrated because I can't get anyone to ask me to the Prom. Oh and please…I'm confused. In the movie I get together with Eric here… but in the book, it's Ben! Can we just get our facts straight people? Anyway, I need to get some shots for the feature," she said, changing the subject like that as she pressed the button and took my picture.

"Feature's dead, Angela. Much like your personality, and a few people in this town later," Eric said with a serious look on his face before he got up and added, "I got your back, baby. Oh sorry, Bella. What I mean by that is that I'd love to take you from behind, to clarify things, just in case you were wondering if I was using any sexual innuendo or not." He walked away, leaving me stunned as I sat with the girls, the boys' absence making it appear as though we were into lesbian three-ways.

"Guess I'll have to write about teen drinking or something else that isn't a statistic at this school," Angela said wistfully as she stared longingly at the telephoto lens.

"You could always write about bra stuffing or wanking. I'm fairly sure some here do one or both of those things," I suggested.

"Oh yes, that administrator has huge bazongas…we're talking Olympic size," Angela said excitedly.

"I know…it just doesn't make sense. She's so fat…so she shouldn't have any boobs at all!" Jessica answered.

I took a bite out of my Sloppy Joe, and nearly choked on it as the voices in the room disappeared and all went strangely quiet. Without knowing why, I placed my sandwich down and took a huge gulp of Coke before I turned toward the window and watched as the most beautiful couple I had _ever_ seen walked through the door…

**A/N: Next…the Cullens make their debut…but please let me know if you're still with me. Writing this, funnily enough (pun intended) means that I'm not sure how funny it actually is. I'm a bit nervous that it's just lame. LOL. So let me know if I'm a hit or a miss, m-kay?**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Glad you're enjoying my warped sense of humour! Step aside folks, the Cullens are in the house!**

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 9 – 'FROS AND COOKIE CUTTERS**

"Who are they?" I asked as I saw a tall, thin boy with no muscles to speak of walk in holding the hand of an absolute goddess. His hair was black and curly, but I knew he'd look soooo much better as a blonde. I just couldn't work out why his hair was that colour when it didn't suit him. And don't get me started on how it looks like a black blob on film.

"Oh for fuck's sake, shut up!" I berated myself under my breath. The girl had bottle blonde hair, with the roots growing through an inch, a pretty little pout and appeared demure. She batted her lashes at the boy as they headed for a table near the window and nearly tripped over her pumps. I knew, just knew that though she was pretty, she really wasn't as good looking as the book said.

"I said stop it!" I yelled, making the two girls next to me flinch, having no idea where these thoughts were coming from.

"Seems like she's having an episode," Jessica said.

"I guess it was only a matter of time," Angela added.

"Anyway…if you can try to focus that special head of yours on my words, they're the Cullens…the foster-kids of Dr and Mrs Cullen. You'll meet him when you go to hospital in a few chapters. Rosalie and Emmett are apparently seniors, but really I think they're here undercover like that show that Johnny Depp used to be in. I mean, they just don't look like teenagers at all, even though they fuck like rabbits behind the gym. I heard that he has a hard-on that never goes down!" Jessica squeaked.

"Ewww! That's so wrong!" I said as I thought about them being 'together-together', at the same time feeling worried about the hospital comment, and a little jealous that Rosalie has a boyfriend that basically had a peen that was as good as one of my toys.

And if I thought they were beautiful, the next couple followed behind, the girl dancing as she walked. Seriously. She was tap dancing as she walked in, and then began to pirouette as the door closed behind them. She had the oddest hair. It nearly looked as though it wasn't real, the way it hung around her face, all black and shiny like a horse's mane. I concluded it was definitely a wig, and I knew that she had prettier hair under that 'do. The boy had blond curly hair, and all I wanted was for it to be brown and straight…and that perhaps he should sport a beard, because he'd look so much hotter like that. He seriously looked like he was in pain…probably because he had such stupid hair. I briefly wondered if he'd bought the same butt plug as my dad, and wanted nothing more than to offer him some lube.

"And that's Alice and Jasper. He wanted the lead, but apparently wasn't good looking enough, so instead the poor guy had to get his hair done like that to fit in with his support role," Jessica said knowingly as I watched Jasper sit down and winced as Alice gave him a lap dance.

"I think it sucks his band didn't get to do songs from the soundtrack," Angela said with a sigh. "And there are many who think he's better than…him…"

"Who?" I asked as my mouth hung open, the last of the Cullens walking through the door. "Holy fucking shit! That guy looks like the one on Mrs Cope's t-shirt, except his eyes were green!" I shouted far too loudly.

"It is…well kind of. And sometimes they're green, sometimes blue depending on which character's being written in fan fiction...if it's an all human story that is. But mostly, yeah they're green. That's Edward Cullen, but don't waste your time. Apparently nobody's good enough for him…and I should know. I tried to seduce him after school and he looked at me like I was some kind of perverted monster, which I am, but only in my own mind."

"So what's his deal then?" I asked, licking my lips predatorily as he shot me a confused stare, looking at me like he was trying to figure me out. Good luck with that buddy. The way the woman writing this story is concocting her characters, anything could happen!

"My conclusion? He's gay. Or a mama's boy. Definitely a virgin. I mean, what sort of guy looks that perfect but doesn't hit this when it's offered?" Jessica said, pointing toward her crotch before she reached down and rubbed it a little. Angela salivated as she watched Jessica go at it, nodding her head like the good follower she was, but as I continued to stare at him way longer than was socially acceptable, I knew that there was much more to Edward Cullen, and I intended to find out what that was.

And as I picked up my Sloppy Joe and inhaled the remainder of my lunch, watching as he sauntered by, smirking arrogantly as he held his nose, I nearly choked on my food as Jessica sniffed her fingers. His brassy coppery coloured 'fro was so wild, so free, so not real, that I imagined birds were nesting there I pictured his short, stumpy frame attached to mine like a koala to a tree. I wondered that if we had sex whether we'd fit together like two missing puzzle pieces, or if that was just some bullshit someone always wrote in fan fiction.

And don't get me started on that mono-brow. Jesus Christ, I could soooo knit a sweater out of that! I couldn't make out his eye colour, but from a distance they looked like they were damned freaky, just like on that woman's t-shirt but not nearly as stretched and a different colour that I couldn't make out. And that skin! It was so white that I briefly wondered if the good doctor had been experimenting on them. They weren't supposed to be related, but yet they all had the same skin and freaky looking eyes. And though they didn't look anorexic, none of them were eating. Oh and don't get me started on how they sat together, looking like statues. Any why hadn't the doctor been reported to family services if he allowed them all to hump each other? Had nobody else ever noticed all of that? Jesus people in this story were soooo stupid!

"Yeah, they look pretty stiff in this first one. After all, they're finding their way as first time actors. My opinion is that Edward's supposed to look less human at this stage, and as each movie is made, he appears more human so it appears his character is evolving. It's quite clever really," Angela said as she continued to stare longingly at Jessicas hoo-hoo. And as I sat there, chewing my meat, wondering if I'd ever get me some of the 'man' variety, images of the movie Edward Scissorhands made their way through my muddled head…and I wondered if there was a huge cookie cutting machine at their home. Determined to find out more, I made plans to go against Jessica's wishes, because she told me that I finally would, so I figured I'd start driving the wedge between us sooner rather than later and find out as much about those beautiful freaks as I could…

**A/N: You still with me, or is there an echo in here? Show me the love! Go on now! Lol.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry I didn't post yesterday…but I had to get a chapter of Isle of Enchantment out, my cowritten story with Totteacher. It's been nominated for a Shimmer Award (best fluff) and that's a huge deal considering it's from Esme's POV. Voting opens on 8****th**** July and the link is on my profile! **

**This is dedicated to my father, John, the funniest man I've ever had the privilege of knowing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but thanks Steph for giving me these crazy ideas!**

**CHAPTER 10 – SMELLS LIKE HALITOSIS**

I finally moved to go to my biology class with Mike in tow, thinking about this odd place as I walked the halls…and as I thought, I figured I'd been dropped into an episode of the Twilight Zone. Hmmm…Twilight. I liked that word.

Anyway…this place…well it was weird. Not only did it have the clichéd jocks, bitches, lost puppies and bed wetters, it also had, in my estimation, the highest per capita rate of good looking people I'd ever seen...the Cullens blowing the average out of the water. Mmmm blowing. I sure could do with some of my bits being blown. Anyway...I mean, what the fuck was with that? Back in Phoenix, I was a small fish in a big pond of pimply faced, stinky teenagers. Now I'm a shiny new toy amongst this lot? Does my shit not stink? I just didn't understand it…but I was sure going to get to the bottom of this whole thing…mainly because I was bored. I mean…what does a teenager do for entertainment around here anyway?

"Hey, Mike. Good to see you're dry for a change," the biology teacher said. Mike mumbled something but took his seat in silence. The teacher was an animated looking dude with dark hair and glasses, not really good looking but not ugly either. He was the sort of guy who I pictured being more high profile than the other teachers. In fact, it was as if the other teachers blended into the background so much, they didn't even exist.

"Oh yes, Ms Swan," he said as I handed him the pass. "I'm Mr Molina. I'm the only teacher you'll actually interact with in this story...and the hippest of them all. Now to take a seat next to Edward Cullen there, but be mindful," he warned, pausing for effect before he whispered, "He never comes to blood typing...so I think he's a bit of a wimp."

I stared at him quizzically, realising that I wasn't supposed to speak during this scene while at the same time, rolling my eyes at my inner monologue. Mr Molina handed me a text book as I stood in front of the fan, which also doubled as a heater because apparently it was written that way in the book, just not in the movie. Mentally berating myself as it blew through my seriously fuckhot hair, the pages on Edward's desk shifted, which was odd, because as far as I could tell, the fan slash heater was too far away to actually blow anything anywhere. As I shrugged and moved toward the only vacant seat in class, I not only felt as though I was moving in slow motion, but I also wondered why everyone except Edward Cullen had a lab partner.

As I approached the table, Edward tensed and plugged his nose with his fingers, giving me such a grossed out stare that I thought I was gonna die from embarrassment.

"Alright guys. Today, we're gonna be observing the behaviour of planaria, a.k.a. flatworms, but since the word 'planaria' doesn't come up in the spellchecker, and the author of this stupid story is really anal and kind of bored, instead of that we're going to examine the dissected pieces of the tapeworm I pulled out of my ass this morning."

I shuddered as I took my seat and the teacher proceeded to hand out glass jars filled with the grossest thing I'd ever seen in my short life. The thought of touching or looking at something that came out of my teachers ass made me feel as though I was gonna hurl.

Edward gagged and pushed the glass toward me and unplugged his nose, only to hold his breath and stare at me with such an intensity that I mentally said 'take a picture it lasts longer'. Then, wondering if it was me and not the tapeworms that had him on the verge of yakking all over my textbook, I raised my underarm and sniffed under it before cupping my hand over my mouth, trying to check if I had bad breath. Nope, I didn't smell, but I guessed it could be to do with the fact that people usually don't smell their own halitosis.

Edward just continued to stared at me, seemingly suppressing his gag reflex as Mr Molina gave every detail of how he expertly removed, cut up and bottled his precious worm.

I was thankful I didn't have to say another word, and though it bugged me that Edward was obviously sickened by me, I was more worried about getting away from the contents of my biology teacher's bowels before I upchucked my Sloppy Joe.

And then something hit me (not literally but figuratively) and I realised why he was so disgusted with me, smiling and nodding to myself at my discovery. Firstly, I was relieved that my shit did, in fact, stink, and secondly...as Jessica had suggested, Edward Cullen was obviously gay.

Were there _no_ decent straight guys in this town to lose my virtual virginity to?

**Thoughts?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry I missed posting yesterday! I hope you're still with me lol. As always, this story is dedicated to my father, John. Love you!**

**Twilight ain't mine.**

**CHAPTER 11 - GAYWARD IN THE CLOSET**

The rest of the day blurred by...so much so, that I didn't really feel as though I'd been to anything except gym, lunch and biology.

For some unknown reason, although I seemed to recollect that it was something to do with handing back a note or some shit, I found myself entering the office where that same weird gush of wind whooshed behind me, nearly causing me to fall on my face.

Chewing my lip, I noticed who was standing in front of big bazonga woman. Gayward Cullen. And, she was flirting with him like no-one's business.

I mean did she not know the guy was in to dudes?

"Oh come on...you know that older women are so much more experienced! And they make up so much of your fan base," she said with a giggle, pushing her rack towards him while his body tensed in reaction to her words. Well, I assumed it was because of that. Or, did the guy really hate me? Nah! It couldn't be that! I rocked!

Trying to stop myself from vomming in my mouth a little, I watched as Edward tried to avoid looking at her chest.

"There must be something open. Physics? Biochem?" he asked, ignoring her comment, his tone a little desperate as he stared above her head.

"No, every class is full...that is unless you've changed your mind and would like to join me in the janitors closet." Right then, she noticed me and shot me a wink before she said, "Just a minute, dear."

"No! I'm not going into the closet with you, and I sure as hell don't want to be seen coming out of one either!" he snapped. She was soooo barking up the wrong tree with this one.

"Well then I'm afraid you'll have to stay in Biology," boob woman said in a childish tone.

"Fuck it! Why is it that every other human submits to my will, but you don't in this scene? You're supposed to give in to my charms, you know that, right?" Edward leaned closer, staring her down like some sort of animal.

"You know how important it is to the story that you stay in Biology. Besides, no pokey the old lady...no changey your class," she said, folding her arms determinedly, barely managing to tuck them under her humungous melons.

"Alright. Just...just have to endure it," he muttered as he turned and walked past me, cupping his hand over his mouth once more.

Obviously, my halitosis was worse than I first thought.

-SPTD-

The next thing I knew, and as if by magic, I found myself sitting in the diner, nearly doing a Mike Newton when I saw a famous author sitting at the counter. The waitress handed her the food, and I couldn't help but wonder what brought such a famous author to this dinky little town. When she didn't speak, I knew she was just an extra, and though I was thrilled she was here, I couldn't be more disappointed that I probably wouldn't see her beyond today.

"Hey, Charlie! Is that...oh fuck...what's her name again?" I asked, clicking my fingers.

Charlie looked around, following my eyes to where the woman was sitting "What's J K Rowling doing here in Forks?"

Before I could think about going to get the woman's autograph, the waitress appeared, her curly hair and generic looks telling me she wasn't going to be very involved in the story.

"I just can't get over how grown up you are. And so gorgeous," she said, smiling at me sweetly as she placed our food on the table. God! I hated when some adult comes up to you like they know you or something...when you can't remember them for shit!

And then, a guy who looked like the local deviant approached. "Hey Bella, you remember me? I played Santa one year." I could so picture this guy copping a feel when kids sat on his lap. I shivered in response to that thought, hoping he'd die...and soon...the sick fuck.

"Yeah, Waylon, she hasn't had a Christmas here since she was four," Charlie answered with an eye roll.

"I bet I made an impression though, didn't I?" Waylon (and who the hell calls their kid Waylon anyway?) said with a leering look.

"You always do, what with your charm and obvious good looks," Charlie sighed, batting his eyelashes at Waylon.

Oh no way!

"Buttcrack Santa?" the waitress asked, cringing.

"Hey, kids love those little bottles though!" Waylon slurred as he turned around and flashed his plumber's crack at us, and Charlie groaned, licking his lips as he stared at the deviant's ass.

"All right, you drunken pervert. Let the girl eat her garden burger," the waitress admonished before turning back to me. "As soon as you're done, I'll bring you your favorite...berry cobbler. Remember? Your dad still has it. Every Thursday. In fact, his custom is going to pay for my nose job, and now that you're here, well I might just be able to afford one of those 'Extreme Makeovers'. Heaven knows if I want to make it in this business, I'll need a little nip and tuck, so thanks for that," she said as she walked away.

As I picked up the bottle of ketchup and absently tried to tip it on my food, I wondered how freaky the older townsfolk seemed. It kind of felt like I'd been thrown into the middle of a movie or something...like that movie 'The Village'. This place was sooo strange, so unlike Phoenix that it didn't seem real, but I knew it was. I'd seen it on Google Maps. And as I thought further, glancing toward the counter just as the diner faded to black so I couldn't be seen plowing into my burger like a pig at a trough, I gasped as I realized the woman at the counter was not J K Rowling after all...

**Ya with me peeps? Lemme know!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Well at the moment I'll try to post as often as I can, but I do have a BBC chapter and the charity oneshot to write…so hang in with me. I will still try to post every 2-3 days. Thanks!**

**This is dedicated to my dad, John, and to my friend Cheryl who has had to endure more than any one person should. LOVE YOU BOTH!**

**Disclaimer: Twilight ain't mine or I'd be on a tropical island somewhere.**

**CHAPTER 12 – LITTLE BOTTLES AND RASPBERRY LIQUORICE**

I had a boring phone call with my mom, but I failed to see why the hell I had to speak to her. I mean, she clearly didn't need me. All she needed was Phil to hump. She didn't even ask about possibly moving to Florida if the asshole got signed. As if. He was past his prime, so who the hell would want him? Aside from that, who the fuck just decides to move states without asking their spoiled brat of a child first? I mean, according to those here, the world revolved around me, didn't it?

Anywho, after telling her how fucking 'welcoming' everyone was and reminding her that even though she repelled technology so much because she lost the power cord, at least she didn't have a problem using her vast selection of battery operated toys. Lucky bitch also had Phil to do the rumpy pumpy with anyways, so it's not like she has to use toys all that much unless Phil felt like a bit of ass play, and boy did I hear him when they used to do that!

After that particularly boring and pointless phone call with my child of a mother (because, let's face it, I'm sooo mature compared to her), I hunkered down on my bed and pulled out my lube, dabbing some on a few pimples that had broken out on my face before I did my homework.

-SPTD-

I planned to confront Edward and find out why he hated my obviously ass scented breath, and also why he won't come out of the closet. As I was standing in the parking lot, pretending to read to avoid the apparently popular but totally weird kids as I waited for Edward to turn up, Tyler chucked a rock at my head, trying to attract my attention. After I rubbed the forming lump on my head, scowling at him as I walked over and kicked him in the nuts for his actions, I put my earphones in and pretended to read as he dropped to the asphalt, moaning in pain.

"If you don't want me to kick you in your pea-sized gonads, next time throw raspberry liquorice!" I snapped, walking back to my truck. Fucking Tyler. He was beginning to get on my last nerve, and all I wanted was for something to happen to him that might bring him to his senses…and maybe make him apologise a lot. Not death or anything…just maybe a car accident or something to give him a bit of a wakeup call.

Of course, Edward didn't show, and as time went by as if it was seconds rather than days, things got decidedly…strange.

I mean, if Edward's 'family' staring at me in the cafeteria could be called strange. I was, after all, gorgeous…and 'special', so maybe all of the Cullens checking me out like I was something to eat was to be expected. They were, after all, human…weren't they?

As I got in bed a few nights into Edward's disappearing act, because apparently nothing happened in between except for a lot of self-commentary and definitely no sex, I realised that if this crap that I was saying in my head was actually read by someone or watched as part of a movie, those readers and moviegoers would be pretty bored by now.

"This needs a bit of action…or at least a well-timed lemon," I said nonsensically as I fell asleep, dreaming of green lube, because everything's green here, and before I knew it, I had magically showered and already eaten before I made my way outside to meet Dad.

"I gotta go, Bella. Some guy was killed by a wild animal. My guess is that it was some wild night at the gay club in the next town, so if nothing else, I might get to check out a few hot pieces of ass."

"Dad, I didn't want to say anything at the diner the other day, but could that guy Waylon have something to do with this? He just doesn't seem right in the head," I said, worried.

"Nah, he's pretty harmless. Well except for the fact that last Christmas he got fired when he was found giving little bottles of booze to unsuspecting kids."

"So that's what the little bottle comment was about? I never did understand that line, so thanks for clearing that up. Apparently a few readers were wondering why its meaning wasn't pointed out last chapter," I said, frowning as I thought about that deviant and why I was talking about lines and chapters.

"He's a bit of a drunken sicko, but he's my sicko…and was my first crush," Charlie sighed. "I guess I was just a little too old for him."

"Eww Dad, how could you like someone that plies kids with alcohol like he's grooming them? That's sooo gross! Anyway, speaking of crushes…how's things going with Billy?"

"Oh, I don't know. Something feels wrong about being with him…I just can't put my finger on it yet, or even in it because he can't feel anything from the waist down, but it's like we weren't meant to be or something…"

"Oh," I said. "Well be careful, and don't forget…I have lube handy whenever you need it."

He gave me a smile and shifted awkwardly as he said, "Yeah, I should've borrowed some last night. This butt plug's a killer!"

"Well I wouldn't worry. I seem to be talking to you a fair bit and you're not blurry, so I sense the plug won't _actually _kill you, though you might wanna think about taking it out once in a while."

"I'm supposed to take it out? Huh," he said as he gingerly got in his cruiser, and as I watched him pull away, feeling things fade again, I finally remembered who that woman was in the diner.

"Oh my God! The author of those vampire books actually did a cameo? What the hell was that director thinking?" I questioned as I wondered how the woman who followed me everywhere with a camera had decided that _that _was a good idea, but whom I also chose to ignore because I thought she was a figment of my imagination (I mean, get real…who has dreams like me in real life? I have to be insane or something).

"I guess I'm more special than I thought," I said, chewing my thick, luscious bottom lip. "Maybe that's why Edward doesn't like me."

**Thoughts?**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. **

**This story is dedicated to my father, John. Sorry re the erratic posts, but my neck has been out the past 3 days. Anyways, it's feeling a little better so I can sit at the laptop a little longer now. Please head on over to the Shimmer Awards and vote for Isle of Enchantment for best Fluff, heatwave award you can't go past Texasbella's To Serve is Divine!**

**CHAPTER 13 – ACOPULCO GOLD**

I suddenly found myself waterlogged and walking into Biology class, not thinking that Eric would be halfway through a sentence as we walked in. I mean...does nothing that boy says make sense? He's nearly as bad as Waylon!

"...prom committee is a chick thing, but I gotta cover it for the paper anyway, and they need a guy to help choose the music so I need your play list. Hey listen, um, I was wondering... did you have a- a date..."

"You think I'm a guy?" I asked with an accusatory glare.

"Err...no. I'm still trying to find ways to get in your panties. It's the only reason I joined the prom committee."

"But you just said they need a guy to help choose the music," I argued.

Just then, Mike clobbered me over the head with his pansy-ass umbrella. I mean, what sort of wimp uses an umbrella? "Wassup Arizona? How you likin the rain, girl?"

"Jesus, why does everyone have the urge to hit me over the head? I've already been dropped on it several times as a child, and there are sooo many scars on my brain already!"

"Yeah, Mike, you're real cute, man," Eric answered. "Not my type, but cute enough...you know...if I was alone in the locker room one day..."

I decided to leave the two of them to exchange sexual banter and as I did, I spotted Edward sitting at the table. Looking around for the fan, which had mysteriously disappeared to my relief, I took my seat next to him, happy that my halitosis may not bother him now. Well, that and I'd used a whole bottle of mouthwash that morning.

"Hello. I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to introduce myself last week. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella," he said, his voice smooth like a well slickened dick sliding in and out...

Anyways...I figured I should answer, but I didn't wanna come across all needy. "No shit Sherlock," I answered, flipping my hair about the place, his body tensing as I did.

"Hemp root tip cells! That's what's on your slides right now, okay? So, separate and label them into the phases of mitosis. And the first partners to get it right are gonna win the best goddamned Acapulco Gold this side of the equator." Mr Molina held up a baggie, and I had to admit, I was impressed. I sooo wanted to win this...I mean...Jesus! I was sure if I got stoned things would seem less weird around here.

"Special ladies first," Edward said, sliding the microscope over toward me, his white fingers clunking against the metal. What the fuck were his hands made of? And don't get me started on those fucking eyes. They were the colour of pee!

"You were gone," I said, staring into his number one eyes with my number two ones.

"What's it to you anyway? I don't even know you and you're prying in my business?" Edward asked, distracting me from my thoughts of poo and pee coloured eyes.

I stared at the hemp, now more than ever desperate to win the baggie sitting on Mr Molina's desk, already tasting the food I'd gorge on when I got a bad case of the munchies, and said, "Uh, prophase," before adding, "So? It's clear that you're avoiding me. I just wanna know why."

"Do you mind if I uh, look?" Edward asked.

"Being a chauvinistic prick while avoiding my question much? Check it, but you're wasting your time."

It's prophase," he said before mumbling under his breath, "Smart assed bitch. Here's me having graduated I don't know how many times and she knows as much about this crap as me?"

"You know, if you were trying to whisper something that I wasn't supposed to hear, you're shit out of luck." I had no idea what the graduation thing was about, but I was damned if I was gonna be made to look like a dumb fuck!

"Alright, different tact then. You're obviously more intelligent than these other walking pieces of meat, so for starters I'll bore you with mundane chatter. Wouldn't want your brain to explode or anything. So are you enjoying the rain?" he asked.

I laughed then ducked, kinda worried that he might hit me over the head with that microscope, since that seemed to be the trend. I looked down at his hand, waiting for it. Instead of beaning me, though, he placed his hand on his thigh, where my eyes trailed upward and I took in his generous sized peen which twitched so much it nearly looked as though it was about to leap out and attack. It looked sooo much like my favourite rabbit, that I already felt I knew it. Personally.

"Bella?" he asked, smirking as my eyes found his once more. God I was just caught ogling his junk! How embarassing!

"Just don't hit me over the head with that thing. It's hard, looks like it could do some damage, ya know?" I said, trying with all my fucking might to blush, but still...nothing.

He laughed and looked down at his crotch before returning his gaze to me. "How did you know how hard it was?"

"Huh?" I asked, feeling a bit of drool form in my mouth.

"You were obviously referring to my peen, weren't you?"

"No! I meant the microscope! People seem to have taken to hitting me over the head with hard objects, and I'm kinda tired of it."

He chuckled, shaking his head as we continued with our analysis of the grass we were studying, and all I wanted to do is get out of here and partake in that baggie Molina was offering.

"So, as I was saying...you must like cold, wet things if you moved here, yeh?"

"Sure do. Every cold, wet thing except leeches. They steal your blood ya know, and well..with the way I feel about blood being spilled..." I began to breathe harder as images ran through my head of blood trickling from my skin, and how...ah shit! He's licking his lips and smiling. "Um, how did you know?"

"Oh, just a feeling." And then he leant in close and added in a whisper, "I like lube to. And blood? Well don't get me started!" And then, a low growl emanated from his perfectly chiseled chest. Yeh it was. Even beneath the blue shirt he wore (and what was the go with everything that everyone wore being colourless? Where's the hot pink people?)

"And, it's uh, anaphase," he said as he changed the slide and checked the microscope. Smartass.

"You mind if I check? I mean, you seem smart enough, I guess, but I think you've repeated a few classes. You kinda look a bit old to be a Junior. Were you in special ed for much of your school life?"

"Sure, go ahead and check. And I'm not the special one here. That little moniker, my dear Isabella, will always be associated with you."

"Anaphase. You prick. It's correct!"

"Like I said," he said with a smarmy grin. I'd love to slap that smile right off his face. But, I needed to focus, so I could instead get off mine. Face that is. I wanted that gold! "If you hate leeches so much why did you move to the wettest place in the continental US? There's nothing but forest and billions of leeches around here you know."

"It's a long story," I sighed, shivering at the thought.

"I'm not the special ed kid here. I think I can keep up," he countered, waiting.

"Have you ever had a mother and stepfather that had no regard for your mental wellbeing and humped every night? Do you know how much psychological damage that does to a child? And don't get me started on when mom gets the riding crop out!"

"So, what, you don't like the guy? Because you know I'd get him 'taken care of' if you like. I know people..."

Rather disturbed by Edward's statement, I said, "It's not that I don't like him. I mean he's a creep, and he only ever really makes an appearance in the first scene, but I don't know. He's got delusions of grandeur if he thinks he's not past his prime. He's a baseball player."

"It's metaphase," he said with a smile and added, "I can see you really need to win this challenge today, so let's go collect our prize!"

"Oh thank God!" I said with a relieved smile.

After collecting our prize we walked to my locker, and I was waving the baggie around the halls, where I attracted scowls and envious stares.

"So, you wanna go to the bathroom and share this?"

He shook his head.

"Hey did you get contacts or something? I mean I've seen other colours, but never pee coloured. Once in some movie I saw ones that looked like targets, but yours I've never seen before. I'm sure yours were a non-descript colour the other day..."

"It's the fluorescents."

"Flourescents or fluorescence? I never really did understand that line," I said, trying to pry more information from him.

"You figure it out," he said as he sauntered away, jacket in hand, adjusting himself as he left.

"Oh, I plan on it," I said with an evil smirk, wondering who the hell wrote this script with so many errors, as I clutched my baggie and made my way to the bathroom...

**Thoughts?**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Sawwy it's been a while between postings, but I've got 4 stories on the hop! And bahahah! Oh guys have I told you how much I FLOVE your reviews? Truly they are so wonderful! I'm rushed to reply to them, but please keep them cumming! I've been told to issue a warning. Please don't read this when you have a mouthful of anything...as apparently it ends up sprayed all over laptops. LOL.**

**CHAPTER 14 – FRUITAY BOUNCY RABBITS**

After getting stoned out of my head and feeling sooo hungry by the time I got home that night, and after emptying every cupboard in the house and eating anything not nailed down, I headed upstairs, feeling so horny I swear my clit could cut glass. Huh. I wondered if that Acapulco Gold was spiked with a little somethin-somethin extra.

Lucky for me dad wasn't home, so after I took a shower, using my strawberry body wash, my strawberry shampoo, my strawberry conditioner and my strawberry body lotion and brushing my teeth with my strawberry toothpaste before giving myself a strawberry douche and using strawberry deodorant, I went to my room and got out all my toys and placed them on the bed, doing the old 'eenie meenie miney mo' song. I finally decided on some butterfly nipple clamps and my favourite strawberry coloured rabbit. After all, I was feelin all kinds of fruitay with all the strawberry I had going on! I rocked that shit!

And then, as I pulled out my bottle of strawberry flavoured lube and spread it over my toy before dropping my strawberry coloured towel and attaching the pink clamps to my strawberry coloured nips, I closed my eyes and thought of Edward's peen. God, I sooo wished I had that to play with. I could even imagine him flogging my ass with that thing...making it all strawberry coloured when he was done. And the way it danced! It was as if it had a mind of its own…and don't get me started on how thick and hard it looked! It was nearly too perfect, but I knew that every peen written in fan fiction was just short of party gag size, was always pretty, but it was only in less than half of them that they were described as uncut. Me? I just love a man in a parka.

Then I wondered about his smell. Yeah he had some seriously funky body odour happening. It kinda smelled like aftershave, but it was way stinkier than that. The dude was obviously layering, just like I did with my strawberry shit, but I still wondered what he used. Maybe he used a new kind of flavoured lube. I mean, he told me how much he liked the stuff…more or less admitting he was gay by doing so…but then I briefly wondered why his peen looked so hard when we were in biology. Was it that size limp? Or did he swing both ways? Or...was Mr Molina the object of his affections...and the only reason he helped me win the baggie was to get close to him and perhaps kiss his ass? Literally?

"Oh no...not another student crushes on the teacher slash fanfic!" I complained, rolling my eyes.

Determined to give this story a lemon, even if it was a self-lovin' one, since it's had little action yet, I lay spread eagled on my bed and turned on my rabbit, easily slid it in to the hilt, but just as I was about to get all down and fruitay, I heard a noise coming from outside my window…something like the sound of heavy breathing.

"Ow, fuckin' shit!" I heard a male voice hiss, followed by a cracking noise and an almighty crash.

"Who's there?" I shrieked as I bolted for the window, stark naked and opened it wide, disappointed that whoever my peeping Tom was, he'd escaped before I got the chance to see him. Staring at the broken tree, I climbed out the window and dangled my legs over the ledge before spreading them wide. I figured if anyone was perving on me, I'd give them an eyeful, cos I liked it when people watched. Yeah...sex in public...I knew that's what my kink was. Besides, they'd obviously gone to the trouble of climbing my tree to gawp at me, and now that my only way of escape had been ruined, I realised my chances of getting fucked were seriously diminishing. "It's as if someone's trying to stop anything sexual happening in this story," I muttered. "Well, I'll show them!" Just as I was about to wrap my fingers around my rabbit and give the neighbours a show, I spotted headlights appear at the end of the street.

"Yep...this is definitely a conspiracy!" I hissed, frozen in my place as the cruiser pulled into the driveway.

"Jesus, Bella. Cover yourself up!" Charlie said as he winced before getting out of the car, gagging as he walked toward the tree and looked up at me. The shock of seeing my father staring at my vibe filled hoo-hoo caused my body to clench and the rabbit fall out of me and bounce off the tree before beaning him in the head and landing on the ground. He picked it up between his thumb and forefinger, and shivered as he brushed a few pieces of lube and grass off it and switched it off. "Ow! And Jesus Christ, Bella. I know this story has me going through some seriously kinky shit, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna be out sick from work tomorrow because I was KO'd by my daughter's twelve inch rabbit with built-in clit and ass stimulator!"

"Sorry, Dad. I had no idea I was that loose." He scowled at me, rubbing his head with the end of the vibe soothingly. "Just put it in the dishwasher if you don't mind." Jesus Christ. How embarrassing. A fucking _twelve inch_ vibe just fell out of me! Whose gonna want me now if I'm that loose? Things were become more desperate than I first thought!

-SPTD-

Feeling all kinds of weirded out by last night, I arrived in the wet and slippery parking lot, wishing I could feel all wet and slippery with Edward Cullen, who I spotted standing way too far away to have any way of feeling me up. He gazed at me in return from the other side of the lot, and as I watched his family all stare at me as if I'd committed a crime, I felt a bit sad for him. I mean, it can't be easy to be that good looking and still be in the closet, and to see your siblings humping all the time without getting any action yourself…but something told me it was more than that. To make matters worse, he still had that hard-on, and my hoo-hoo had been brought to life more than usual by this boy, but had remained unsatisfied, so much so that I swear I just heard it whimpering at the sight of Edward's peen. With the way that he was so unattainable, well let's just say I was looking forward to getting on-line and ordering an elephant sized dildo.

Maybe I should make it my mission to find him a boyfriend...I mean it would be difficult, but I could be a friend for him. And then, of course, try to turn him. Hell, I'd even make this a poly story if I could get a little action!

"I guess I'm buying into this whole story thing, then, but if it means I get me some...I'll do it," I muttered as I heard a sudden screeching sound before the sight of Tyler's dark blue van slid as the delinquent came into view. And then, realising that my wish that he have an accident was coming true, everything was in slow motion as the van careened toward me…

**Do I hear the sound of chirping crickets? Or is that Bella's bouncing rabbit? Lemme know!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Well thanks guys for your response to the last chapter! Hahahahhaha! Gotta love it when a vibe falls out of you and hits your dad on the head, right?**

**This chapter is dedicated to my sister Sherrie who just lost her partner Alan. I'm so sorry babe for your loss. This story is dedicated to my father John who goes in for his PET scan this week. Now *looks to the gods* no more bad stuff okay?**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, I'd donate my millions to cancer and diabetes research.**

**CHAPTER 15 – BLUE VANS AND BALL MUSK**

It all happened so fast, but so slow at the same time. Guess that's the miracle of technology for ya. No sooner had I spotted the van heading for me, apparently too stupid to even _try_ to jump out of the way, Edward was there, and because I had the benefit of slow-mo, my jaw had time to hang open as I watched him move quickly until he was standing in front of me. As he pushed me to the ground, he thrust his hips forward, aiming right for the van. The sound of a metal on metal screeched in my ears, making my sexy as hell blood run cold.

"Fuck!" I shouted, my voice muffled by his rock-hard ass which was suddenly covering my face, my nose lodged right up his crack as my head hit my truck. And then, his body rocked forward, the sound of metal near deafening as those around the parking lot clambered to my aid, but I was too far gone to care. I couldn't help but inhale the expected musky scent that every slash story describes when talking about sniffing a man's ass and balls. Instead of that, what I discovered was so much better. The smell I'd taken in before was so concentrated there that I wanted to pitch a tent and never leave.

He smirked as he looked over his shoulder, shaking his head at my obvious sniffing of his bits, but instead of doing what he should do and make sure I was okay, he turned and faced me, his massive peen even bigger close up and adjusted himself before he jumped over my truck and joined his family. God, kill me now! I was practically salivating over that thing, and his peen? Well it just saved my life now, didn't it!

It should be awarded a medal or some shit. Maybe even be given a key to the city.

"Fuck, Bella, I'm so sorry, I panicked," Tyler said. And as everyone converged on the truck, yelling that they were calling 911, all I could focus on was the small amount of blood trickling from his head. I licked my lips. As much as it was inappropriate, I couldn't help but stand up and walk right over to him and place my tongue on his injury, closing my eyes as I took the elixir in my mouth and groaned. It wasn't the best I'd tasted, but it sure as hell was better than nothing.

"I never could work out how they all resisted my blood, but now you've got rid of it, well it isn't an issue," Tyler whispered as I began to feel a combination of confused and a bit woozy.

-SPTD-

The next thing I knew, I was at the hospital as if by magic, sitting on a bed next to Tyler's. I was kinda bummed because I was sure I'd read something about an ambulance arriving in the book, but then again, it had been a while since I'd read it. I really wanted to be in an emergency vehicle while they used the siren, goddamnit!

"Bella. You okay?" Charlie asked as he walked in. Tyler gawked at him, and I was sooo mortified when he stared at my Dad's ass, his widened eyes taking in the sight of him. Terrific. Everyone was turning gay before my very eyes. Charlie stared at Tyler, blushing in response before he rubbed his hand against the material covering the crack of his police issue pants, the end of the plug protruding as he poked his ass out like some sort of slut.

And here's me thinking living with Mom and her toys was traumatising enough. It was becoming clear to me that my dad was the gay version of the town bicycle.

"You and I are gonna talk," Charlie smiled, batting his lashes at Tyler.

"Err, Dad…mind dialling it down a bit?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked, waggling his hips.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I just couldn't stop staring at your Dad's ass. There's something alien poking out of it!" Tyler said.

"I know, it's okay. And this movie isn't about aliens," I reassured Tyler. It wasn't his fault my father's brain was between his legs.

"It sure as hell is not okay!" my father answered, before turning to Tyler. "I was trying to flirt with you, and I was even considering removing my plug and let you have at it, but now, well you just lost your licence instead, punk!" Charlie then poked his tongue out at Tyler and drew the curtain shut between us.

"Dad, it wasn't his fault," I said, getting a little angry.

"I tried to warn you a few chapters back, but nooo you wouldn't listen. You realise that if you're killed, this story ends, right? What the hell were you thinking, gawking at that boy in the parking lot? What does he have? A magical peen or something?" Charlie retorted, equally angry. I knew what it was. That plug being in his ass was affecting his demeanour and he needed that thing removed before he exploded, but I did wonder how he knew about Edward's peen. Oh shit. Surely he didn't know Edward's peen in the biblical sense?

And then, breaking through my very disturbing musings, the most beautiful man over thirty I'd ever laid my pooey eyes on walked in the room. He had the same skin and eyes (surprise surprise) as Edward and his family, but fuck me! That hair! What the hell was the makeup department thinking giving him that god-awful blonde wig? Thinking I was pretty much on the money about my cookie cutter theory, but once again disappointed by the way every character was made to look worse with all the hair and makeup, I watched him carefully as he swanned past me and stood next to Charlie.

"I heard the Chief's daughter was here," he said, eyeing my father suggestively and totally ignoring me.

"Hello, Doctor Cullen," Charlie said, licking his lips as he nearly salivated over the man. Oh give me a fucking break! Not him too?

"I've got this one, Nurse Jackie," he said, speaking to the generic nurse who I really hadn't noticed was there, and then a strange sense of familiarity shot through me as I recognised who he was.

"Doesn't Edie Falco play Nurse Jackie? And don't you have a bit of brown hair in that show? And why are you always playing doctors? Don't you want to play other parts to add to your list of acting accomplishments?" I blurted.

"What are you, from Entertainment Tonight or some shit?" Dr Cullen answered.

"No, I just…well I'm confused," I said with a frown.

"Well, Isabella, no need to be confused. I do admit I like to play 'doctor', but this isn't _the_ nurse Jackie. As you well know this story is a supernatural romance, and I play Dr Carlisle Cullen, arguably the third most popular sex symbol in this story."

I gasped, totally ignoring the supernatural part and honing in on the romance part. Holy shit! I was sooo gonna get laid! My hoo-hoo squealed in excitement, while at the same time I wondered who the lucky guy was gonna be.

"Now just give me one second and I'll be right with you," he added as he frowned, fixing his eyes on my crotch. Oh God! Did he hear my vag actually squeal? Was he gonna be the one to pop my strawberry coloured cherry? Oh shit. If there's one thing the woman writing this hates is fanfics about cheating husbands, and I knew the guy was married. Before I could contemplate further, Carlisle pushed me off the bed and folded his arms, staring indignantly at my father.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked.

"Your father has this habit of leaving things in his ass. The last time, it was your grandma Marie's crystal vase. I'm amazed the thing didn't break before I got to it. Now take off your pants and bend over, Charlie!" he commanded, his voice laden with dominance. Oh God, I could sooo envision this as a BDSM story!

But then, as I watched my father remove his belt before unzipping his fly and pushing his pants down, reality hit and I threw up in my mouth a little.

I didn't know where to look…the sight of my apparent father bent over the bed and getting a plug removed from his ass hypnotic. But, as if watching a car accident, I just couldn't tear my eyes away from the sight.

"Oh!" Charlie cried as Carlisle cupped his balls with one hand before turning the plug and tapping on the end of it with the other.

"You dirty little whore," Carlisle admonished as he pushed against the plug before pulling it out slowly.

"Oh yes!" Charlie shouted as Carlisle removed the plug and studied it carefully before handing it back to my father.

"Be thankful I feel generous today. That would've made a nice addition to my 'things I've removed from asses' shelf in my office," Carlisle said before he turned toward me and pulled out a torch, my eyes following his lube covered fingers in fascination as he switched it on and shone the light into my poo coloured eyes…

**A/N: Ya still with me?**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Apologies I haven't gotten back to this in a week…my dad's prognosis isn't good and he's not taking treatment. Therefore I've decided to churn this one out just for him. Posting for this will be not as higher priority now that I have my auction piece to finish (Go check out my Ripperward…he's rather evil), and Bad Boy Cullen to write.**

**Thank you for your support…as always this story is dedicated to my Dad, and I don't own Twilight.**

**CHAPTER 16 – DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD MUCH?**

"Okay, Bella, why don't we give the readers something a little more interesting in this examination scene, shall we? It's one of the few scenes I do and it's so boring!" Carlisle said wickedly as he shut the curtain around us, leaving Charlie and Tyler alone. "Now why don't you take off your clothes so I can check you thoroughly for 'other' injuries," he whispered saucily…and so softly that I barely heard him. He reached under the bed and slid out some stirrups, and I shuddered as he gave me a wink and waited. Yeah, it was another one of my fantasies, and besides after seeing Edward's peen and knowing it would never be mine unless I had one to make it a matching set, like some weird-assed pair of salt and pepper shakers, I was sooo horny!

Oh fuck. My hoo-hoo shrieked in delight, my lower lips clapping together gleefully at the idea of being examined. Carlisle placed his finger in his ear and grimaced, and it was as if he'd heard it! A dog howled in the distance…

As if I had vampire speed, and not really knowing what that was yet, I stripped quickly and climbed onto the bed.

He strapped me in and leant over, licking his lips as he shone the torch on my hoo-hoo, and chuckled. The man actually…_chuckled!_

"What's so funny?" I asked indignantly. I mean, really? How unprofessional of him! I was expecting him to cop a gloveless feel, even get the chance to sue him for malpractice so I could afford to maybe buy a custom made, life-sized Edward doll! I was not expecting him to laugh at my vag! And the woman writing this is using waaaayyy too many exclaimation points! Is there a beta in the house?

And then, without a word, I shivered as he reached down and gently parted my lips. And no, I don't mean the ones attached to my mouth.

"Christ on a cracker! Did you put your hands in a freezer or something?" I asked, pushing against his hand as he smiled, shivering at the thought of eating a popsicle…

"Circulation problem," he explained lamely as he pushed his finger in my pulsing channel, and as I tightened against him, he began pumping me slowly…in and out…up and down...round and round...side to side...back and forth... Well, I was loose ya know. At the same time, I tried to block out the rather disturbing moans that were now coming from behind the curtain next to me.

"As if anyone would believe that piece of shit excuse," I mumbled distractedly.

"Meh, they couldn't come up with anything else," he shrugged before inhaling deeply, his nostrils flaring. "Well it looks like you took quite a spill. Thanks to Edward, you're no longer a virgin. In fact, you feel quite loose," he said with a wicked smirk as his thumb found my aching clit and he pressed on it as if it was a doorbell.

_Ding, dong! Avon calling!_

Exciting innit! Finally we get at least a finger fuck written in! Take that you PG rated assholes!

"What? We never…" I panted as another ice cold finger entered me, causing me to bite my lip, cos yeah for some reason that lip biting thing features fairly heavily in this story…and in every fucking fan fiction one as well, and if I know anything, when you're sexin', you should sooo work that shit.

"What I mean to say that the impact of your accident broke your hymen. It's something the author never did explain in detail when it 'faded to black' in the final book. Now, well that's just one less thing to sweep under the rug because it's supposed to be a young adult story…but it still leaves the whole menstruation thing unexplained…"

"Huh?" I asked as his frozen digits explored me as though my hoo-hoo was his own personal pair of mittens or some shit. I briefly wondered if he was frostbitten, and that if I was a little tighter and did a kegel on them, whether they'd actually snap off and stay there forever...

"I'm sorry, Bella! I'll do anything…" Tyler shouted out, breaking Carlisle out of his exploration of my poor lonely little hoo-hoo.

And just like that, his fingers were gone and he cleared his throat. Hoo-hoo whimpered. Ah shit! Well I've been cockblocked before, but never have I been popsicleblocked!

Fuck you, Tyler! Thank shit you're hardly a part of this story from now on!

He unstrapped me from the bed and handed me my clothes, and I dressed slowly, hoping he'd change his mind. No such luck. He shook his head and grinned, placing his glistening fingers in his mouth, sucking at them greedily as images of Edward's cock entered my mind, which was far from where I really wanted it to enter.

I soooo needed to get laid!

"Jesus, Bella…Edward told me you were a klutz, but what were you thinking, getting in the way of that van?" Carlisle admonished.

"Shut up! It's not my fault Tyler drives like a space cadet!" I growled, listening as Tyler moaned. "And will you two quit it?" I added.

"Sorry!" Tyler apologized for the hundredth time, his voice muffled. No, I didn't wanna know what the hell was going on.

"That's right, apologize again you little bitch! Earn your licence back…oh yeah," Charlie moaned.

Kill. Me. Now.

"Well I guess it's good in a way…we will need to use your two left feet as an excuse soon enough…" Carlisle said, apparently oblivious to the goings-on behind that curtain. I swear they must put hormones in the water around here. Everyone was so…turned on! Which kinda suited me. I was such a hornbag!

"Excuse? For what?"

"You'll see. Let's not do an 'Alice' and get ahead of ourselves. Now, you may experience some posttraumatic stress, but how do you feel?"

"Good," I answered.

"Good, eh? I am surprised, after all, you did cop an eyeful of Edward's legendary peen. I'm actually amazed you didn't come on the spot…or that he didn't at least put an eye out. Mind you, wearing an eye patch would at least cover up that god-awful poo colour," he said, still shining that fucking torch in my now pissing eyes.

"Well at least my eyes aren't the colour of pee!" I retorted.

"Edward said you were feisty. I like that. He's always behaved like he's got a pole up his ass…in fact, I actually removed the pole and a few gerbils last week…but even after all that, he's behaving like such a fucking emo Nancy-boy. You coming along may be just what he needs."

"Really?" I said with a hopeful smile.

"Yes, really. Now far be it from me to explain too far into the story, but your x-rays show your head is really scarred. It's no wonder Edward can't read your mind, but of course Steph does explain that in Midnight Sun. Stupid bitch that leaked that…now we'll never see the end of that book. Mind you, the woman writing this has given it a pretty good shot, if you ever wanted to look at her profile…"

"Huh?"

"Oh…sorry, I don't mean to confuse you with all my 'doctor' talk. You know, you sure are 'special', just like Edward said."

And with that, I heard Charlie orgasm, and wanted more than anything to get out of this hospital, go home and bleach my brain…

**A/N: Thoughts? Hit or miss? Flounce or continue? Let me know! Ta muchly!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: It's Sunday morning, and BBC is going slowly, so I thought I'd churn this one out just for you. Again, I've got no idea when I'll post next, but love all the reviews I'm getting. RL is a cruel biatch at the moment, so thank you for your understanding.**

**Daddy I love you! And Mum…I just know you're gonna get through this.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. If I did, the movie would be funnier…I think.**

**CHAPTER 17 - IT'S SQUISHY? WTF!**

I walked out of the room, somehow expecting to be greeted by half the school, but I was surprised that the area was empty and that my father was the only one following me around like a bad smell. As he tucked his pants in, wincing as he did up his belt, he said, "I just have to sign some paperwork…maybe get lucky with the young male nurse I saw earlier. You should probably call your Mom."

"You managed to get hold of her between fucking Phil? Well good for you! She's probably freaking out about now…I mean…she's already lost valuable boning time taking your call…" Without another word, he turned and left me be, because apparently it's not time for he and Edward to converse just yet. Ya see? I told you! I'm sooo on board with the whole movie thing, aren't I?

And then, I stopped in my tracks as Carlisle, Edward and Rosalie spoke, but their voices were sooo muffled I had to strain to listen. In fact, it took the writer of this story several viewings of this scene in the movie before she understood what they were rambling about. Of course, she's so old she's probably losing her hearing along with her mind…

"What was I supposed to do, let her die?" Edward said as I stood there and not-so-subtly eavesdropped on them.

"This isn't just about you, it's about all of us," Rosalie snapped as she folded her arms. "Mind you, Alice predicted what was going to happen…so really I don't know why I'm bitching about this, but since it's in the script, I'll go with it, even though with our keen sense of smell we should've already picked up that the walking bag of bones over there was listening…"

Carlisle reached into his jacket and pulled out Charlie's butt plug, smiling, apparently having relieved him of it after all. "I think we should take this in my office so I can add it to the collection." Edward rolled his eyes as his father and Rosalie headed toward the office, but not before I spotted Carlisle licking the plug.

"Eww! That's gross!" I said as Edward sauntered over.

"What?" he asked as he ran his eyes down his body before cupping his hand over his mouth to check his breath.

"It's nothing. And now to get back to the script, how did you get over to me so fast?" I blurted, in my usual mumbling voice. I mean, I had to face it. Acting classes really hadn't done much for my ability to 'project', but what I lacked in that department, I more than made up for in personality, right?

"I was standing right next to you, Bella," he said, smiling at me, his eyes boring into mine as if he was trying to somehow control my actions. Was this guy for real, or what?

"What the hell? Do you think you can get me to think what you want, just like Mrs Cope, because you're sooo fucking popular or something?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I've got your number, baby. You wouldn't even be that well-known if it wasn't for me…and as each movie progresses you'll see how right I am…"

"Oh really? Yeah right! I'm a _child actor_ and I have very influential parents, so don't give me that crap, you arrogant prick. You had a bit part in that fucking wizard movie, where you _died_…and that's it. BFD! I've acted with Jodie Foster!" I rambled, feeling odd that I was blurring the lines between what I was doing here and some other life I knew I had to be leading at the same time…

He burst out laughing and shook his head mockingly.

"Oh, you have no idea how bratty you're gonna become when this breaks box office records…"

I stared at him, confused, fighting with the temptation to stomp my foot and prove him right, deciding that I'd best focus on the questions in my head rather than who was the most popular…

"Anywho…back to the subject of how, in a matter of seconds, you managed to run across the lot and stick your ass in my face. Care to share?"

"Bella, you hit your head. I think you're confused," he said condescendingly.

"No…I distinctly remember you being on the other side of the lot, and the next thing I knew your…your…penis was stopping Tyler's car from crushing me."

"Will you listen to yourself? As if anyone's gonna believe that crap!" he said as he laughed once more.

"I wasn't gonna tell anyone," I said, batting my lashes. Of course, I couldn't keep a secret to save my life, but what would be the harm?

"Can't you just thank me for giving you a mouthful of my luscious butt and get over it?"

Images of that smell, and that ass pressed to my face, along with his glorious peen passed through my mind, making me want more, and without thought of the consequences, I reached around and squeezed the left cheek of his granite-like butt.

"Luscious? This ass is harder than the stainless steel butt plug I've got!" I cried before moving my hand to his front and touching his crotch, causing him to groan. "Well I'll be damned! How can that part of you be like stone and your peen…well it nearly feels like it's…squishy!"

"It doesn't make sense to me either, but it didn't really seem the right thing to do to have me walk around with a constant boner, either."

"Tell me why, Edward. Please?"

"No can do," he said as he thrust his hips forward and groaned, his cock jumping all over the place as I caressed it. Well, well. Maybe this guy wasn't as gay as I first thought.

"You're not gonna let this…and when I mean this…I mean my larger than normal cock, go, are you?"

"No," I confessed as he finally took a step back and frowned.

"Well, I hope you enjoy disappointment." He turned and left, his speed nearly manic as he walked away from me, I stood there, dumfounded as I tried to decipher what his statement actually meant.

Who the fuck wrote this shit anyway? Did it mean his cock was actually faulty? That he really didn't like me that way? Or was it something far more sinister? Why can't the scriptwriters be more specific? Shit…even the woman writing this story could've done better!

"Guess I'll have to get a closer look at that peen," I muttered under my breath before the scene finally ended…

**AN: Sorry about late posting! It will be sporadic but I'll get to it when I can! So ya still with me?**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Well, what do you know? Writing this story as a little distraction from my RL woes has earned this silly story a Tomato Soup nomination for Best Snickers! The link is on my profile…voting begins 6****th**** September! Thank you to the person who nominated me…I'm floored! If I didn't reply to your reviews last chapter I apologise. I will try to reply this time!**

**This story is dedicated to my father, John. I love you. This chapter…well I always wondered what Bella dreamt about when she said she had her first dream of Edward…so here it is! Hehe.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but this warped version should be made into a movie. Hahahah!**

**CHAPTER 18 – DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF STALKERWARD**

After the strangest day of my time here so far, I was suddenly in bed and asleep, and because you never get to see inside my head in the movie, the woman writing this has decided to give you readers her take on what my dream was about. I'm starting to think she's committable…

_I was in the old house and watching porn on my laptop, trying to drown out the humping between Phil and Mom. It wasn't working. No matter how much I turned up the volume, I couldn't block the noise out. Their voices and faces suddenly morphed onto the screen and made me nearly vomit. Well, so much for watching porn. It really was no wonder I was a virgin, what with the images that were now dancing in my head. I slammed the laptop shut and closed my eyes, sticking my fingers in my ears as I screamed, "No!"_

_And then, I found I was in the middle of the largest marijuana crop I'd ever laid eyes on. Not that I'd ever seen a crop before. Cos knowing that shit would mean I was some sort of criminal, wouldn't it?_

"_It's so green," I muttered, picking a couple of heads and shoving them in my pockets, which happened to be made of plastic baggies. As I busied myself, picking the best heads around, a bunny hopped by, it's head coiffed in a fro style, its eyes pee coloured. _

"_What the fuck?" I shouted as I noticed it was holding my best strawberry coloured vibe in one paw, and a bottle of strawberry lube in the other before it hopped away. _

"_Come back, plot bunny! The woman writing this needs some new ideas! And give me back my favourite lube and rabbit, you furry little animal!" I shouted as I chased it through row after row of plants, until I came upon Charlie's house, where the bunny stopped, waving the lube and the rabbit around in exasperation._

"_Oh for fuck's sake! Now I have to jump because of that fuckin' broken branch? Jesus, this had better be worth it!" the bunny complained, its voice all too familiar as it climbed to another branch and took a huge leap, clearing the gap and landing on the windowsill._

"_Edward?" I called out, confused as it somehow opened and climbed through my window. Unable to contemplate climbing up that tree, even though I knew it was a dream, I sensibly opened the door and walked upstairs, but the rabbit was nowhere to be found. Worn out by all the commotion, I emptied the baggies from my jeans and shoved them in my underwear drawer, noting I didn't have any left before I fell on my bed and closed my eyes. _

_And then, I heard the window squeak loudly and a thud on the floor of my room, laughing as I wondered if this was a thief, cos if it was, he was really bad at it. I opened my eyes a crack, gasping as I saw Edward standing at the end of my bed, watching me like some sort of stalker._

"_What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked as I sat up and spotted him standing there in a black tee and jeans, holding the lube and my favourite rabbit in his hand before he hid it behind his back. "You're stealing my toys?"_

"_I have no idea what you're talking about!" he said with a wickedly sexy smirk._

"_Well if you're not trying to steal my favourite rabbit, what are you doing here? Cos if ain't getting any action, you watching me sleep could be regarded as kinda creepy," I said, suddenly finding myself naked and tied to the bed by my best underwear. So that's where it went! Well alright! Finally a bit of action! But Jesus, did he have to use the best panties I had? "Hey! How did you do that?" I asked incredulously._

"_It's a dream…and this bit isn't scripted, so just go with it, Bella," he shrugged._

"_Fine by me! So, are you gonna get naked too?" I asked in anticipation, dying to see his peen, raising the one eyebrow I could. _

"_Nah," he said, shaking his head, his 'fro swaying to…and well, fro. I had the sudden urge to run my fingers through it, but of course I was tied up. Yeah you are stupid aren't you, woman? You wrote me tied up, so now I can't do shit! _

"_Awww!" I whined as I wriggled against my bounds with futility._

"_But I was thinking that since this really isn't happening, and it's all in your head, we could do at least something to make this chapter interesting. I mean, it's pretty dull so far, and since I don't have the control to fuck you, I thought we could give readers something to masturbate to after they finish reading…oh and reviewing, okay people?" he said as he crawled on the end of the bed and opened the strawberry lube, sniffing it before he bent forward and sniffed the air between my legs. He was careful not to touch me, but who the hell cared? If he had a phobia or some shit, as long as he got me off, I really didn't give a rat's ass._

"_Okay, so what do you want to do now?" I asked, uncertain of how far he wanted to take things. I mean, was he going to just look at my seriously rocking nakedness and that's it?_

"_Beats me. I'm a virgin and though I'm in everyone's head all the time I apparently have no idea about sex. I mean, really? Of course I would know everything with people imagining what they wanted to do to me all the fucking time…but this story is the way it is!" he said, confusing the hell out of me. _

_He was inside everyone's head? What the hell did that mean? I knew he was probably a virgin, but why? And then, I realised. Of course! People liked him sooo much, he was probably just trying to tell me that people told him he was on their dirty little minds all the time since they openly flirted with him every five fucking minutes. I mean, look at Jessica and Mrs Cope! I bet they'd already asked to see his peen! The guy probably had grounds for a sexual harassment case...everyone he met behaved like that, so it was no wonder he didn't wanna fuck any of them._

"_But, don't forget…this can't go too far. I can't lose control with you, and besides, we do want to leave readers wanting more, don't we?" he asked, smiling crookedly. Ha! Finally…that crooked smile makes it in this story! About time! *author scowls at Bella* _

"_Hmmm…okay. So…I gather you don't wanna touch?" He shook his head._

"_I can't. It's taking all my resistance not to do far more. Sorry, but it's too early in the story to tell you more than that, but suffice to say, no we can't touch yet. And since you're the daughter of the biggest man-slut in town, I thought it would be safer if I tied you up."_

"_Okay…no touching. But what if you…" I stared at his suddenly twitching peen. Hello! _

_"What if I what?" he asked anxiously, licking his lips._

"_Well…I'm showing you mine. Maybe you could show me yours." I felt like I was twelve, but hey it was better than nothing! "It's not like I can touch it…being tied up and all." I tried to keep my voice even to mask the desperation I felt, but fuck I was sooo desperate to see that thing._

"_My what?" he asked innocently._

"_Oh for fuck's sake, are you that dumb? Do I have to spell it out for you?" I asked, rolling my pooey eyes at his pee coloured ones._

"_You want…oh!" he said in realisation as he pointed at his thick, dancing peen. Words and music to an Abba song invaded my head._

"_Duh!" I retorted as I honed in on that one-of-a-kind, joke sized lump in his jeans, mesmerised by its movement as I sang under my breath, "You are the Dancing Peen, young and sweet, only seventeen…"_

"_What the hell? You're singing Abba when I'm just about do something intimate with you?" he asked, frowning._

_"Sorry...it just fits...your peen...what age I assume you are...ah forget it! So...you gonna show me what's under those jeans?" I asked, the author of this story glaring at me because the song was now stuck in her head._

_He glanced out the window, and shrugged before answering, "Sure, I guess I so. It's dark outside, and though it makes no sense that anything that looks odd under sunlight would obviously look the same under cloudy weather, I apparently have to make sure there's no sunlight around. Shit, I've probably told you more than I should..."_

"_Huh?"_

"_Never mind," he said, shaking his head. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's okay…"_

_I swear, my hoo-hoo just whimpered and as a flush of arousal trickled out of it, he groaned and flared his nostrils. Woohoo! we have another few fan fic staples out of the way!_

"_Thanks for trying to drown out your god-awful smell with your vagina, it's useless, but I really do appreciate it," he said sincerely, smiling as he placed the toy and lube on the bed before he released the button fly of his jeans and stood up. I held my breath in anticipation as he reached in and pulled out and palmed the most glorious, semi erect cock I'd ever seen. I mean, it was fucking beautiful! And yes, I know people who write fan fiction always say that, but this was the God's honest, best uncut cock I'd ever seen, and I'd seen some in my time, what with all the porn I've downloaded! Choirs sang, nearly drowning out the Abba song, and I swear I saw rainbows come out of his jeans as I took in every bit of its twelve inches. Yeah, I didn't have a tape measure, but I knew it was at least the same length as my rabbit, plus it had some extra girth. Besides, any fan fiction writer worth her salt always writes a huge peen. I just wanted to lick it. Then sit on every inch of it. _

"_You're welcome," I answered, too distracted to ask him what the hell he meant by my smell, annoyed that my halitosis was obviously back again, but knowing there wasn't a dentist in town. Besides, he liked how my hoo-hoo smelled, so that was something! "So, you like vaginas then?"_

_"I really have no idea, but I guess they fascinate me a little more than cocks do...well in this story anwyays as it's not supposed to be slash. You see, in this story, I've been pretty much asexual...if you can believe that bullshit. And since Carlisle told me you'd broken your hymen, I figured why the hell not? Now you're not officially a virgin, we can have a bit more fun than I thought was going to be possible, since we don't have to worry about the whole blood and hymen thing."_

_Shivering in response to the mention of blood, I mentally shouted hallelujah! The boy wasn't gay after all! _

"_Okay, that's enough," he said before tucking it away and picking up the toy again._

"_No!" I cried in exasperation._

"_I'm sorry, Bella, but it's too early in the story for me to go any further. In fact, nothing will happen until the fourth book."_

"_What about me?" I whined in frustration._

"_Tell you what…how about I…" He held the toy up and looked at them and then at my hoo-hoo._

"_Okay!" I readily agreed. "But…no lube?"_

"_No necessary," he said. "I know you like rocking that shit, but I can smell that you're very well-oiled and don't need it. Now, close your eyes…" _

"_Okay," I said, tensing and squeezing my eyes shut. I'd never used a toy without lube! "For a virgin, you sure are kinky, Edward."_

"_Am I?" he said as I heard him switch on the vibe and rub it against my hoo-hoo, thoroughly coating it in my juices without pushing it in. And then, it was gone...and I groaned in frustration._

"_More," I begged, thrusting my hips up, searching for any sort of friction, but as I did, I heard the sound of the window squeaking. He was leaving?_

"_Well, I've got what I needed. Time for you to really wake up now," he said mysteriously…_

"Noooooooo!" I yelped as I took my time to switch on the lamp, because, let's face it, in the original movie, even with his great speed, there was no way in hell he could've gotten through that half open window without me seeing or hearing anything.

"Ow! Fuckin' shit! That missing branch!" he yelled dumbly as I heard a thud. I had to laugh. They call me special? Seriously? I bet my leaking hoo-hoo he was the fucker who broke the branch in the first place...and he just climbed out of my window and forgot it wasn't there, not me!

"And I thought only blondes were dumb!" I snickered, thinking I'd said it quietly enough for him not to hear. No such luck, though.

"Oh shut it! Me breaking the tree wasn't supposed to be in the script...but thanks to you, it is now! Thanks so much for your consideration for my wellbeing, you cold-hearted bitch. And by the way, I'm not hurt, in case you were wondering," he called out. What the fuck? Did the guy have super hearing or some shit? I rolled my eyes, but as I moved to get out of bed and lean out the window to give him my best fake look of sympathy (which really isn't that great, as I'm only good at doing about two different facial expressions) I noticed I was naked and horny as hell. As I heard the distant sound of my rabbit and rapid footfalls fade in the distance, I gasped as I got up and checked my drawer of toys, noting that my favourite one was gone.

"The fuck?"

And that's the first night I had a rabbitlicious dream of Stalkerward Cullen…

**A/N: Please tell me you're still with me…or is that the lonely sound of a vibe being rubbed against hoo-hoo's that I hear in the distance?**


	19. Chapter 19

**This chapter is dedicated to the women over in The Tent group. Vicky, Arc, Texasbella, my wifey Paula and especially Mich who inspired parts of this chapter.**

**As always, this story is dedicated to my parents…I love you! Please stay well!**

**Disclaimer: Me no own Twilight, for if I did, the story would be sick and twisted, just like this one. LOL.**

**CHAPTER 19 – COOL STUFF**

"I need everyone's permission slip! Or a joint if anyone's carrying," Molina announced as I stood at the truck in the school parking lot, staring at the dent distractedly, trying to look all kinds of wistful, deep and shit. Yeah, I rocked!

"Look at you, huh? You're _alive_!" Mike exclaimed, appearing in front of me, apparently trying to come across as good an actor as me. Yeah, right! Like that could ever happen!

"I know, yeah, false alarm, I guess," I shrugged. I mean, really, death by peen wouldn't have been the worst way to go, and I smiled as I pictured the funny as shit epitaph that would be on my gravestone. But, it apparently wasn't my time to die yet, because if I did, I sensed everything here would just cease to exist.

"Cool stuff," the woman holding the camera said as she stopped for a moment and replaced the film in her camera, and as those words left her mouth, I knew that when they made extras for this DVD she'd use that phrase so often it would begin to irritate people. I didn't see this woman all the time, because I was a fuck-hot performer and always zoned out everything else when I was in the moment, but every now and then, she was there, angling the camera all weird and shit, apparently trying to 'make art'. I secretly wondered if this woman knew what the hell she was doing. I mean…the book was nothing like the theme she was trying to set here!

"Bella, you of all people should know you _never_ look at the camera, unless it's part of the script! Now ignore her and give me your all for this apparently awkward scene where I make a total douche of myself," Mike hissed.

I nodded and ignore her before I focused on watching over Mike's shoulder, and as Edward stood near the bus, looking as though he was trying to suppress a fart as he strained to overhear our conversation, I had to stop myself from laughing. I briefly wondered if that strained look on his face was from an injury after his fall from the tree the previous night, but knew it would serve him right if he did, as long as it wasn't his dick.

"Ahem," Mike said, waving his arms about. "You really are so fucking wispy, you know that, right?"

Me? Fucking wispy? What a douche! Doesn't he realize he needs me for this story to work? Not to mention the merchandising!

"Mike, what the fuck do you want? You out of adult diapers or some shit? 'Cos you know, I haven't got spares. Oh…and the whole peeing thing? Not one of my kinks," I said distractedly, hinting for him to get the hell away from me. Of course, he didn't get the message.

"Yeah. Um, I mean, no I'm good, and oh that's a shame." he stammered as he patted his dick. Jesus, the guy was really wearing diapers? I was sooo perceptive…but Jesus, what a freak!

"Now, if you'll be so kind as to pay attention, I want to ask you in my most loserish voice, you know, if, if, uh you know. It's like a month away, but do you wanna go to prom? Prom? So, what, what do you think?" he mumbled. I had to admit, he was pretty good at playing pathetic.

"About what?" I asked, his presence blocking my view of Edward's luscious jean covered peen.

"Do you wanna go? To prom? With me?" he asked again, clearing his throat.

Did I really have to waste my breath on this douchebag? He told me about how our 'relationship' was gonna go down, but honestly…this shit was just more than I could take. There were sooo many answers I could give him, like how I was no good at dancing, but in truth I was a fantastic dancer. Then, I wondered if I should just say I was going away for the weekend…say back to Jacksonville, but what if he saw me in town when I was supposed to be away? I really didn't wanna have to sneak around when trying to stalk Cullen's peen. So, deciding to cut the bullshit and keep this thing on story, even though the woman writing this seems to go off on a tangent all too often, I simply said, "Just ask Jessica like a good boy, 'cos you know we're not meant to be, and apparently you two are. I know she's so fucking desperate she'd fuck anything on two legs, so as long as you don't pee yourself, you're in!"

Jessica stood next to Molina before waving at Mike, right on cue, as if she was told. "Cool stuff," the woman holding the camera said once more.

"Would you just shut the hell up, please? I'm trying to act!" I growled, and she danced about the place before giving me a sympathetic smile, shaking her blond head as if to silently tell me I was a talentless diva. Which I wasn't. Was I?

"That's real big of you, offering me up to the nastiest slut around," Mike said as he stared at Jessica, who gave him the classic tongue in cheek blow job signal. Ewww! I couldn't imagine sucking Mike off, what with the smell of urine about, but with how nasty Jessica was, these two were meant for one another. "But, I guess I could tap that, if there were no better offers."

"Yo yo yo eh, guys! Come on, we gotta go, we gotta go," Molina said, all cool and stuff as he toked. I glared at the woman holding the camera, silently threatening death if she uttered those words again. She shut her partially opened mouth, thankfully. "Green is what? Good! Let's go! You guys, come on. Other bus, other bus, let's go."

So, I watched as Edward got in one bus, while I got stuck with a totin Molina in the other, beginning to get the munchies from his second hand smoke as we headed out…

**A/N: So? I know this one's shorter, but I'm trying to keep them short and get them out a little quicker. **


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: The Tomato Soup Awards are now open for voting! This story along with Bad Boy Cullen, Isle of Enchantment and Meadow of the Midnight Sun are nominated Thank you for the nominations xx**

**I'm sorry this is taking so long to post…still 4 WIP's!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight but I do own a brain that is quite odd (see below lol).**

**CHAPTER 20 – COMPOST IS…ERR…WHAT? **

"Eggshells, carrot tops, compost is cool. Yeah stuff it in there, Eric," Molina said. I shuddered to think what was going to be stuffed in where, until Eric held his nose as he threw the scraps into the bin while Molina lifted his leg and let one rip.

"Eww, gross!" I admonished, earning a stupid smile from Molina. Yeah, after he'd finished his weed, he and I had already eaten half the kid's lunches by the time we'd arrived at some greenhouse stuck in the middle of nowhere. The place was surrounded by cameras, barbed wire, and had guard dogs chained up to the gate. Well, now I knew where Molina got his supply from, but I was still confused as to why there was a greenhouse in a place where there was no fucking sun!

"Yeah, well I had to eat to get the digestive juices flowing somehow…you'll see why," Molina said mysteriously.

The next thing I knew, Molina gave that look…you know the one…that faraway look of concentration, when you focus on something real hard. Looking as if he was about to fart darts, he promptly dropped trou and sat his bare ass over the compost bin before his face went red with the strain. Yeah he was getting ready to drop an s-bomb, but was clearly having a bit of difficulty.

"Hand me a bit of that newspaper will ya? I can't relax without having something to read." Next to the bin sat a pile of old newspapers and I rolled my eyes. I mean, what was with the reading while you took a dump? I mean, really? I just wanna get in and out as quickly as possible, but my dad sits in there for hours doing the word jumble! And don't get me started on the smell that sits in that bathroom for hours after!

"Yes, sir," Eric complied before handing Molina a newspaper. The greenhouse was suddenly filled with his gas…and I stifled a laugh as I held my nose…realising that if we opened the door right now, this particular greenhouse gas would punch a hole the size of the grand canyon in the ozone layer.

He used the newspaper to wipe his ass and hopped off the bin, taking a moment to look at what he'd done before dropping the newspaper on top of his prize. Not bad enough that men do the reading bit in the bathroom, what the fuck was with the fascination of looking at one's own turd before flushing? I never did understand what that was about.

"Very good, very good. Now I'm gonna make a steaming cup of excrement tea."

"Give me that," Tyler said as he took a whiff of the dark brown poo-brew.

"Yeah. This is recycling at its most basic form - guys, don't drink it! It's for the plants out back! What the hell do you think makes the shit I buy so strong? Human waste…it's the wave of the future!"

I shuddered at the idea of what the hell Molina was actually smoking, and the fact that I'd literally inhaled shit, but because really there were only so many compost jokes one could do in a chapter, Edward approached in his pea coat, hands in pockets, no doubt adjusting his peen because of the vision of me, and spoke.

"What's in Jacksonville?"

What the fuck? Did the man read my mind or some shit? In the last chapter, I'd only thought about using Jacksonville as an excuse!

"How did you know about that?" I asked, shocked.

"I had nothing to do on the bus ride here so…I checked out the last chapter of this story on my phone. Anyway, you didn't answer my question."

What a fucking girl! He reads fan fiction? Oh shit. That can't be good. All my inner thoughts are on that story! Oh, God, I'm sooo embarrassed!

"Well, you don't answer any of mine so... I mean, you don't even say hi to me. Or ask me if I wanna get high. Or something."

"For fuck's sake…hi then!" he snapped.

"Are you gonna tell me how you stopped the van with your peen?"

"Yeah. I had an adrenaline rush which gave me an instant boner. It's very common. You can Google it, because Bing sucks."

"Floridians. That's what's in Jacksonville," I answered, frowning as I knew that what with the way I mumbled, people outside the States would have a hard time understanding what I was saying, let alone what a Floridian was.

And just as I thought no more poo jokes existed, I slipped in a pile of dung, nearly doing the splits as my foot slid along the ground. I smiled a bit, thinking it might be quite the thing to show Edward how 'flexible' I was. I mean, who didn't wanna fuck a girl who could fold up like a pretzel?

"Would you at least watch where you walk? That shit's nasty!" Edward said. I scowled at him while subtly trying to wipe my shoe on the back of Mike's pants, reasoning that at least the stench of his pee would cover up the shit stink a little.

Annnnd…we're done with the poo jokes…for now.

"Look, I'm, I'm sorry I'm being rude all the time but I just think it's the best way, because really, your smell kind of overwhelms me a bit."

"Are you for real? Well your ass smells…like…like…well it's just nasty!" I retorted, my childish reply causing Edward to smirk.

"Sure it is." And then, his brows knit together and his jaw tightened.

"Hmph," was my mature reply, and as we seemed to be out of things to say, because Jessica was busy checking out Mike's dirty pants as he spoke to her, she missed her cue. I cleared my throat to attract her attention, and she rushed over.

"Bella! Guess who just asked me to prom?"

"Uhuh." I watched as Edward walked away, and as if he knew I was checking him out, he wiggled his butt right before the smell of his ass invaded my nostrils. That dirty bastard!

Jessica inhaled deeply as if it was the best stench on earth and said, "Um, yeah, I, I actually totally thought Mike was gonna ask you. But only because it said it in the script. Um, it's not gonna be weird though, right? 'Cos I don't give a fuck if it is!"

"No. Zero weirdness. You guys are great together." _You bunch of freaks!_

"I know, right?" she answered with a smile. "I just wish Mike's farts smelled that good."

Oh, enough with the bodily functions jokes!

The next thing I knew, I was outside, walking away from Eric, who decided to chase me with a one of Molina's tapeworms that he apparently retrieved from the compost bin.

"Bella, look, it's a worm, it's a worm!" the idiot laughed.

"Keep that shit away from me, Eric!" I warned as Edward followed me away from him and we headed for the buses.

"Bella, we-we shouldn't be friends," Edward said with a frown.

"You really should have figured that out a little earlier." Okay, now it's time to be melodramatic. Oscars, here I come! "I mean, why didn't you just let the van crush me and save yourself all this regret?"

"You think I regret saving you?" he asked.

"I can see that you do. I just...I don't know why."

"You don't know anything. I mean, really I can't believe you don't…or that anyone else hasn't figured it out yet…but I guess you will."

Huh?

And then Alice danced over, nearly bashing into the bus as she came over. She kind of reminded me of something…what was it? A fairy? Nope that's not it. A harpy? Hmmm…close but not quite. But the woman writing this sure loves kitties1's story! Now, let me think. How the fuck does _every _fan fiction story describe her? Oh, that's it! A hobgoblin! Nope…that's not it. Ah well, I knew I'd think of it sooner or later.

"Pixie!" I shouted.

Alice rolled her eyes before she said, "Hi. Oh wow I can't believe I'm in this movie! I'm sooo fangirling you, Kristen!"

"Who?" I asked.

"Oh, never mind. I know what it's like to immerse yourself in your character. Forget I said anything. So, um, are you gonna be riding with us?"

"No. The bus is full…and apparently my ass smells," Edward laughed.

He pounded his fist on the bus door, apparently not having superior strength enough that it would break, even though he had an apparent peen of steel, and as the scene ended, I briefly wondered if his peen was bionic…

**A/N: Go vote! And show me you're still with me, yeah?**

**And you must go read Isabella Swan, Submissive by kitties1! It's funny, kinky, lemonicious and has these crazy harpies! Go check it out! Signed...Rosebud, Literary Agent and Floopy Harpy. :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Well hello folks! Sorry this has taken a while to update…but I've been super busy trying to juggle my other WIPs. Don't forget this story is up for a Tomato Soup Award, so head on over and vote!**

**This story is dedicated to my father, John. Here's a ditty of his:**

_**The boy stood on the burning deck, pickin' his nose like mad. He rolled 'em into little balls, and flicked 'em at his Dad. **_**LOVE YOU DAD!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I'd sure love a rabbit for Xmas!**

**CHAPTER 21 - CARROT PEENS AND APPLE BALLS...**

"Your mom called again," Charlie said.

"Well, it's your fault, you shouldn't have told her about the almost accident. You finished? Because seriously, Dad, just because I'm a woman doesn't mean you can leave your shit around the place and expect me to clean up after you like some sort of Stepford wife," I complained.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right, but I couldn't exactly empty the dishwasher, with your collection of butt plugs being in there."

"Sorry, Dad. They were getting a little dusty…"

"TMI, Bella!" he warned, cutting me off. "Anyway, back to the script, and the subject of your mother. She always did know how to worry…especially when I came out to her. She seems different. She seems happy. Phil sounds like an alright guy, and thank Christ he came along when he did. I think that half the reason I told her I was gay was so she'd leave my poor dick alone…it was close to falling off! Talk about a fucking nympho!"

"Yeah, well…err lucky you, I guess. Um…" And as I stood at the sink, trying to act sooo seriously, this was another moment where I could show my range, but instead of being able to put on a face that said 'I'm a teenager and you don't understand me', it was more like the face I pull when I ran of out of AA batteries.

"Alright. Well that was anti-climactic…" Charlie whispered awkwardly as I stormed out of the kitchen, making my dramatic exit. "I don't care who her parents are…she really needs acting lessons," he added further under his breath.

Yeah, right! The man would die an unknown if it weren't for me starring in this movie! Ungrateful asshole!

-SPTD-

"Hey. La Push, baby. You in?" Eric asked as we sat around the table at the cafeteria.

"Should I know what that means? Cos if it means you want me to push something in you, forget it. And why the fuck to you always open a scene, saying something incoherent?"

"Jesus, and I thought blondes were supposed to be dumb. La Push beach, down the Quileute rez. We're all going tomorrow, cos I love to pee in my wetsuit…it's all warm and stuff," Mike said.

"And there's big swell coming in," Jessica said. "Or my head's swollen...or something."

"And I don't just surf the internet," Eric said as he pretended to surf on a chair. What a fucking weirdo! I bet the guy's been dropped on his head more than me!

"Eric, you stood up once, and there was a foam board," Jessica said. "Or were you foaming at the mouth? I can't remember..."

Well, rabies would explain his odd behaviour...

"There's whale watching too. Come with us…because if there are no whales to watch, we were thinking about pushing you back in the ocean for something to do, Moby," Angela said.

The fuck? Moby? What a fucking bitch!

"La Push, baby. It's…La Push," Eric said.

"Okay, I'll go if you stop saying that. You're always rambling, Eric…let's not add batshit crazy to your list of flaws." Of course, I knew it was too late...that ship had already sailed...

"Seriously, dude. It's creeping me out." Mike shivered, and then had that relaxed, post-pee expression. I stared at his crotch, sighing in relief that I was going to be spared smelling pee right before eating lunch. There was not a wet patch to be seen, so I knew this time he had a diaper on.

"What? That's how it's called," Eric argued while also staring at Mike's crotch.

Deciding to get some lunch before Mike was due for a diaper change, and trying to ignore Eric's poorly structured sentence, I headed on over to the salad bar, going all OCD and shit as I carefully arranged the salad in my bowl, realising that Jamie Oliver had been here after all. I mean, what kind of fictitious school serves salad for lunch? I licked my lips as I imagined the carrot to be Edward's peen, deciding to pick it up and place it at my lips. I closed my eyes and swirled my tongue around the hard, thick vegetable, wondering what it would feel like to suck Edward's carrot.

"Edible art?" Edward asked, his sudden appearance causing the carrot to fall out of my hand. As if he was Houdini he managed to kick it up with his foot and catch it, placing it in his mouth and sucking it in before he handed it to me.

"Bella."

"Thanks for the visual," I said, placing the carrot in my mouth once more and biting the end off, the taste of his spit really funkay.

"Ouch!" he said with a laugh. What the hell was _with_ this guy? One minute he hates me, then he saves me, and then it rejects me. It's as if he's a hormonal menopausal woman! And I am rather an expert…the woman writing this just had a hot flush!

"You know your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash," I bitched, mumbling in my usual manner.

"I only said it'd be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't wanna be."

"What does that mean?" I whined, cos whining and bitching, I could do.

"It means if you're smart... you'll stay away from me. You are, after all, 'special'." I bit off another piece of carrot, at the same time glaring at him as I crunched hard on the vegetable.

"Okay, let's say for argument's sake that I really do belong in special ed. Will you tell me the truth?"

"No, probably not," he said. In reaction I gave him my best grumpy look. "Oh shit…is that the best angry expression you can muster? Seriously, you really do need to brush up."

"Hey! I may not win an academy award for this, but mark my words. Sooner than you can bat those thick, pretty eyelashes, I'm gonna be envied by every woman on the planet! And you need to give me credit where credit's due! I sooo rock angry! Haven't you seen me scowl at the papz and flip them the bird enough times to know that already?"

"Whatever, princess. Anyway, I'd rather hear your theories, because apparently I'm too much of a wimp to tell you what the hell's going on…and we have to build the drama."

"I have considered radioactive spiders and kryptonite, but that doesn't really explain your peen of steel."

"Peen of steel? Hahahah! Oh wait a minute…that's all superhero stuff, right? Um, what if I'm not the hero? What if having a peen of steel means I'm... the bad guy?"

"You're not. I can see what you're trying to put off, but I can see that it's just to keep me away from you. It's a mask." Edward gave me his best weirded out, taken aback expression. Seriously, this guy was sooo talented! Hmmm….I hope he doesn't end up outshining me!

Nahhhhh!

"Why don't we just hang out? Everybody's going to the beach. Come. I mean, don't orgasm…because whenever the woman writing this watches me say that, she always giggles. Just have fun. Unless you wanna actually cum…then I could help you out if you like," I rambled.

"It really makes no sense that I didn't overhear your conversation before because I have excellent hearing…but which beach?"

"The Push."

"No no no," he answered, shaking his head. Yep, I got the impression this guy was a bit of a stalker. I mean, we're not even dating and he's already spying on me and trying to get me away from my lame-ass friends? Hmmm…well no great loss there, I guess.

"Is there something wrong with that beach?"

Edward turned around to look at Eric who is looking right at us. "It's just a little crowded."

Yeh, I guess I could understand. Hanging out with that weirdo Eric wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my time either, but I also sensed I had to go to that beach, because I'm sooo psychic, and I knew I was gonna find out something huge if I went. Plus, I'd already taken a sneak peek at the script.

Edward cringed as I munched loudly on my carrot before I finished it off, only to make him swallow heavily as I picked up a shiny red apple, supressing a laugh as I imagined the cover of this book having a carrot and two apples on it... He groaned loudly as I poked my tongue out to lick the fruit, and as I watched him palm himself, his eyes never leaving my mouth, I realised if I wanted access to that peen of steel, I was gonna have buy a whole lot more salad stuff…

_So, the guy's a vegetarian, eh?_

**A/N: Thoughts? Is there an echo in here? Hellooooooooo! Lol.**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Heybe all! I thought I'd get a quick one of this out before I focus on my countdown oneshot, updating BBC and oh The Ripper of course. Nothing like spreading oneself thin eh?**

**This story is dedicated to my father, John. This chapter is dedicated to Kitties1. She's been going through some tough times, and I wanted to cheer her up. Love you, sweetie! Stay strong xxx**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, because if this was the story I think we'd be in serious trouble. Lol.**

**CHAPTER 22 – ONE EYED SNAKES AND JIZZY SHORES **

I found myself at the beach, cos apparently nothing much happened until then. It was cloudy, miserable and bleak, the ocean choppy and the wind blowing. Why the hell we couldn't have done a 'Baywatch' and set this in sunny California, or even Australia, was beyond me.

"I don't know if it's worth it anymore," Eric complained.

"No shit, Sherlock!" I answered.

"We came all the way out here, and my ass looks great in a wetsuit, so suck it up ya bunch of wimps!" Jessica shouted.

"We'll just hang out," Angela said, her expression full of longing. The fuck? Why was she trying to outshine me in the angst stakes? It seemed that everyone was trying to steal my thunder, and I didn't like it one little bit!

"You guys are babies. Don't forget, if the water gets cold just pee in the suit." Mike smiled at Jessica's suggestion as he began to hop around, the sound of the water making him do the pee-pee dance. Ah yes, those two were a match made in pee-heaven.

"So, I keep thinking that Eric's going to ask me to prom, and he just doesn't," Angela said with a sigh.

"You should ask him. Take control. You're a strong, independent, woman. Though you really are a sheep, if I'm being honest," I said as she handed me a stick of raspberry licorice. Seriously? What was it with that particular candy? And if they were going for product placement, why didn't they just have us all drink Pepsi every five fucking minutes or some shit? That would bring the big bucks in.

"I am?"

"Yes. Your part in this is even smaller than Jessica's! It's time you behaved like her…after all, now she's in good with Mike, she's not going to give you the time of day," I confirmed.

"Can you do me up? I really need to pee, and I wanna warm up!" Jessica asked of Angela, giving me a knowing wink.

"Yeah," Angela answered, nearly gagging as she zipped her up. Shame it wasn't as easy to zip Jessica's annoying big mouth.

And then, out of nowhere, Jake was there, standing in front of the truck, looking all sorts of man-boyish.

"Bella!"

"Hi, Jacob. Guys, this is Jacob. Man-boy extraordinaire," I said.

"Hey guys, how ya doin'?" he asked with a smile.

"Hi," Jessica and Angela said.

"What are you, like, stalking me? Cos that position's already filled…apparently," I said, smiling as I thought of Stalkerward.

"You're on my rez, remember? Are you surfing? Cos I reckon you'd make the board sink. Or part the sea or some shit," Jacob said, his grin widening.

"Definitely not. I don't want to be mistaken for a humpback," I answered quickly.

Jessica snorted and said, "You guys should keep Bella company. Umm her date bailed."

"What date?" Eric asked, looking as though he was about to asphyxiate.

"She invited Edward. But of course, he didn't turn up. Oh Bella, you must be so embarrassed!" Jessica said, looking sooo fucking chuffed.

"I only invited him to be polite, that's it," I explained, not wanting to go into how Edward obviously hated everyone here.

"I think it's nice she invited him. Nobody ever does. Which is totally ridiculous considering how good looking he is. I mean, really? He's the most popular boy in school, so who's gonna believe that crap?" Angela said. She was really beginning to bug me. Thunder-stealing bitch.

"Yeah, coz Cullen's a freak," Mike said. Pee-filled pot calling kettle black, much?

"You got that right," the older guy said. I knew who he was…but in this scene we never find out. It really sucks when you don't get to find out a character name...and that Melissa woman has a lot to answer for! *author sighs at yet another script error*. They sure were piling up!

"You guys know him?" I asked.

"The Cullen's don't come here," Sam number one said, cos having read all the books, I guessed who he was. The first Sam, whose career would not go beyond this one scene. I nearly felt like giving him a goodbye hug, cos seriously, he would _not_ have been able to carry off the muscle-bound head of the pack in New Moon, cos seriously, the sequel's gonna be all about the manflesh…

And then, Jake and I were walking along the beach...and I was looking all kindsa cool in ma hoodie...

"What did your friends mean, about, you know, the Cullen's don't cum here? Does that mean they don't do outdoor beach sex, cos I have to say that's disappointing news," I said as we walked along the beach, knowing that public sex was my signature thang. I glanced over at Jacob, and as sweet as he was, I couldn't picture him beefing up enough for the sequel either, even though he insisted he was gonna be ready…

"You caught that huh? I'm not really supposed to say anything about it, cos the amount of jizz that's washed up on the beach after…well it would ruin the tourist trade around here if word got out…"

"Hey, I can keep a secret," I whined. I mean, I knew I couldn't. I just hoped that Jake didn't realise that.

"Um, really, it's just like an old scary story," he said, smiling brilliantly at me. Well fuck me senseless and call me mama! The boy's face sure did light up when he smiled! Ignoring the whole 'scary story' bit, cos seriously nothing scared me, I wondered if he was into threesomes…

"Well, I wanna know," I insisted, shaking my head, knowing this wasn't a poly story either.

"Okay. Um, did you know Quileute's are supposedly descended from wolves?"

"What? Like wolves, real wolves? Are you high?"

"High, no. Part dog, yes. That's the legend of our tribe."

"Okay, let's just say I buy into this line of complete crap and utter bullshit. So what's the story about the Cullen's?"

"Well, they're supposedly descended from this, like, enemy clan. My great grandfather the chief, found them humping on our land, but they claimed to be something different, so, we made a treaty with them. If they promise to stay off Quileute lands, then we wouldn't expose what they really were to the pale-faces."

"I thought they just moved here?" I said, this line bugging the shit out of the woman writing this. I mean, seriously, of course I should be asking what they really were, but nooooo, I had to go off all half-cocked! Mmmmm...cock... "And they've already spread their seed over this entire beach? Eweeeee! Do they have elephant sized balls or some shit?"

"Or just moved back…and you have no idea!" he said as he licked his lips.

"Yeah, I'm beginning to see that." And then, just to create a bit of tension (I mean seriously, was anyone gonna believe the drama was already starting?) Angela screamed like a girl, running away as Eric ran after her, clutching his dick in his hand. Wow…the girl sure didn't waste any time!

"A snake! A snake! A one-eyed snake!" she shrieked.

"What are they really?" I asked finally, trying to stop myself from gagging at the sight of Eric throwing Angela down and straddling her face…

"It's just a story Bella. Come on, let's go. Cos really, Eric's snake is bringing back all kinds of weird and erotic jizz memories," Jake said with a shiver, licking his lips at the same time…

I may have been wrong, but I sensed Jake had more than the usual connection with the Cullen's and their jizz. I wondered why that was, but felt disturbed by his whole 'wet dog' confession, and wondered if there was a connection there. Were the Cullen's into bestiality? Or did they just have a copious amount of cum they needed to rid themselves of, splashing it about like some sort of weird-assed cologne, marking their territory as they went? And why would Jake be so excited by that prospect, anyway? Because let's face it…cum was nothing but gross! Let's look at the facts for a second, shall we? When it dries on pubes like some sort of weird superglue…well removing it is near as bad as a waxing. And don't get me started on how it tastes like beef jerky, smells like a backyard swimming pool and looks like snot! Yeah, I knew my thoughts on the subject flew in the face of half the fanfiction stories out there…but seriously? Admit it! Jizz looks, smells and tastes funkay, people!

But with the way Jake's cheeks flushed beneath that poo brown skin of his and he moaned in ecstasy…I knew that there was something different about Cullencum. Memories of Edward's unique ass smell flooded my mind, causing me to lick my lips and as Jake groaned and covered his erection as he watched Eric cum down Angela's throat, I wondered if I was in some fetishist, kinky porn movie. Was it possible Edward's jizz tasted as good as his ball-musk smelled? Or considering Edward was a vegetarian, was it just that he ate copious amounts of pineapple?

**A/N: I'm uncertain as to when I can update again…as I have to focus on my other fics, but rest assured I will keep going with this as long as you encourage me to do so. So hit that button!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Hellllooooooo? Anyone out there? I'm so sorry about the update fail on this story. I've cut back commitments so I can keep on schedule for my WIPS. Thanks for your patience!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, cos if I did? I'd have designer shoes.**

**CHAPTER 23 - SHIRTLESS HUNKS AND MOTORBOATIN'**

I woke up a little early and had already showered and changed, so decided to do some research, and switched on my laptop before stretching out on my bed. As I waited for it to connect to some dial-up shit, because apparently technology's twenty years behind here and the woman writing this still wanted to show a scene I'm not supposed to know about, I drifted off to sleep…landing myself in the weirdest dream I'd had so far…and that was saying something.

Waylon? Oh no fuckin' way! Anyone got any brain bleach? Somebody? Why the fuck couldn't you just move on to the scene at school?

Why the hell I was dreaming about Waylon was anyone's guess, but then it hit me, and thank fuck it wasn't literally this time. Feeling suddenly pissed that he was the only one who had his own scene without me, I smiled evilly. It was written in the script that he was gonna bite the big one, and I had to admit, I could not have been more jazzed. After all, one less dirty old, scene stealing man in the world was a good thing, wasn't it? So, as he sat in his boat, after probably just finishing jacking off to thoughts of doing weird things with little bottles, I watched the scene unfold…cringing as the man began humming some stupid song. Cocking my ear, I strained to make out what he was singing, but fuck if I knew.

"Hello? Joe? Joe!" he yelled. Well if nobody knew you were here before, they sure as hell do now you dumbass! I shook my head, wondering who the fuck Joe was while at the same time I waited for the inevitable killers to arrive and as I watched him sit there like a sitting duck, oblivious to what was about to happen, I rolled my eyes. Why the fuck did people in horror movies (even though this really isn't one but shit, it's the PG-13 equivalent!) always put themselves in vulnerable positions when they knew of the danger? I mean, honestly! There have been attacks in the area you stupid fuck! So what do you do? You paint a target on your balding head by going out on some boat for reasons unknown…located in the middle of nowhere and wait for someone to do you in!

You freaking fucktard!

Of course, it wouldn't have mattered even if I _could _warn him, because even if I wanted to, I was merely an observer in this scene. Besides, I knew it was too late, and as he started the engine of the boat and moved to take off, a flame haired woman appeared from nowhere and pulled it back toward the dock. Fuck…I'd turn lesbo for this one! She was drop-dead gorgeous! And don't get me started on her clothes! I have to have that jacket! Hang on a minute! Why the hell was her wardrobe soooo much better than mine? I will have words with the producers about this! (And a few sessions with my dildo while thinking about this fine piece of ass, too!) *author nods approvingly, loving _this_ Victoria so much more than the Richie Cunningham's cum splotch from Eclipse*

As if out of nowhere a shirtless, panty dropping guy suddenly appeared in the boat, looking all kinds of sexay. Well alright! Finally, some more man flesh to feast the eyes on! And, seriously, if he was to play a good guy and wear his hair in a Mohawk? He'd pull the chicas for sure!

And finally, this dude with dreads appeared, sitting at the end of the boat, staring at his nails disdainfully as if he'd had a bad manicure. Awww not another gay man! Seriously?

How's a girl supposed to get any action around here?

"Oh, hello," Waylon greeted, as if he'd invited the three of them to tea. For some reason, I sensed that analogy was pretty close to the truth.

"Nice jacket," the hunk said. Damn! Not him too? No straight man worth his salt ever compliments another guy on his choice of clothes!

"Who are you?" Waylon asked dumbly. Duh! They're your killers you dipshit! Run, you moron! Run! I knew it was too late for the little bottle man, his demise was scripted and therefore inevitable, but there was no harm in building the tension a little.

"It's always the same inane questions, 'Who are you?'" the hunk said with a bored expression.

"What do you want?" carrot-top lesbo added, her voice so fucking quiet, but sexy at the same time. *author raises brow at Bella* What? I'm not allowed to admire a beautiful woman? *author shakes head and continues writing*

"Why are you doing this?" hunk added.

"James, let's not play with our food," dreadlock guy said. What the hell accent was _that_ supposed to be? French? Jamaican? American? The hell if I knew…but either way…they should cast someone that at least knew how to do one freaking accent at a time!

And everything around him blurred as the three killers moved in…

"Fuck!" I screamed as I bolted upright in my bed, sweat pouring off me, my breaths hard and fast, sighing with relief that it was only a dream as I realized where I was. As I sat down at my computer and Googled Quileute Legends, it linked me to Thunderbird & Whale Book Store and Porn Shop in Port Angeles. Satisfied with my search, in more ways than one, I wrote down the address of the book-cum-porn store and headed out the door excited, because I finally had a very good excuse for a road trip, what with Edward having rabbit-napped my favourite toy and all.

The sun had come out and when I arrived at school, I began searching around for Edward, because seriously, all that talk of rabbits had me hanging for release. Instead, I got major boobage time courtesy of Jessica as sat there, sprawled out on the outdoor table, pushing her titties out. As she basked in the sun in her way too small tank, trying but failing to carry of the whole pinup girl routine, I couldn't help but smirk.

Get real, plain Jane! You have no star quality!

"He's not here. Whenever the weather's nice the Cullens disappear. And do you mind moving? I'm trying to get a titty close up and tan my cleavage at the same time, if you don't mind!" she growled. I shifted slightly so I didn't cast a shadow, because let's face it…everyone in this cast would be living in my shadow _forever_. Who the fuck did she think she was, anyway? It wasn't as if this girl was gonna be nominated for an Oscar or some shit!

"What, do they just ditch?" I asked, licking my lips as I wondered if Edward was a closet bad boy. *author shakes head, wordlessly telling Bella that if she wants a Bad Boy Cullen, readers need to click on her profile*

Damn shame that. And enough with the self-pimpage already!

"No, um, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen yank them out for like, hiking and camping and stuff. I tried that out on my parents...not even close. Nope. No yanking for me…literally or figuratively," she said with a tinge of regret, pushing her chest out further, nearly shoving her nipple in my mouth. Yeah, I knew what that was like, my pent-up sexual frustration so bad that tearing off Jessica's tank and motorboating her tits seemed like a really great idea right about now.

Shit, did I need to get laid!

Before I could even consider taking Jessica's nip in my mouth, Angela appeared out of nowhere, pushing me away from Jessica, yet again trying to steal my thunder. Seriously. If she doesn't dial it down a bit…no New Moon for her! "Guys, I'm going to the prom with Eric! I just asked him; I took control!" And then she hugged me, and I found myself breathing heavily as her breasts pressed against mine, feeling pissed that Edward's peen wasn't here to comfort me.

"I told you that would happen," I said in my 'I told you so' voice while dry humping her leg a little.

"Are you sure you have to go out of town?" Angela asked, her eyes widening as she realized what I was up to.

"Oh yes, right there! I mean, yes, it's a family thing," I answered, biting back a moan as the familiar coil began to build deep within me.

"Okay, we should go shopping in Port Angeles before all the good dresses get cleaned out," Jessica said and as the school bell rang and Angela pushed me away, denying me my orgasm, I knew I had no choice but to suggest a little 'girl time'.

"Port Angeles? Mind if I come?" I asked.

"Yeah, I need your opinion. Apparently. Cos I still can't make a single decision without somebody telling me what to do all the time," Angela said sarcastically.

Seriously, bitch. You'd better watch yourself!

And as we headed to class, my clit on fire as it rubbed against my jeans, I knew one thing. I wasn't coming home from Port Angeles until I bought every toy in that store!

**A/N: Chirp chirp. Let me know you're still with me!**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Yeah, I know…it's been ages since I've updated. I'm posting just as I get the chance, so I hope you forgive me.**

**This chapter is written for my girlies over in the Tent who have been feeling a little sad lately, as well as some of my slashy friends (you know who you are). Love you ladies, and I hope this cheers you up.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Alert the media.**

**CHAPTER 24 – SATINY SLUTTY DRESSES AND FLYING RED RABBITS**

Oh crap.

In the words of Chandler Bing…could this _be _any more boring?

We were in Port Angeles, and Jessica and Angela were trying on dress after dress, muttering total and utter nonsense about what color suited them, or what brought out whose tits.

Seriously?

I was wasting my time sitting here, when I could be at the porn and book store, 'shopping'?

But then, things looked promising when some random guy knocked on the window and gave me a leering look.

I was positively gushing at his attention! I mean, let's face it…I was a normal, horny teenage girl, wasn't I?

"Oh my God," Angela said as she began to blush. Back off, woman. Those boys out there are mine!

"That is uncomfortable. Or, the thought of being DP'd while giving the other two simultaneous BJ's and hand jobs is, anyway. That would seriously stretch me, literally and figuratively," Jessica said.

And here's me thinking I was depraved!

"That's so disgusting," I said, directing my comment toward Jessica.

"Bella, what do you think?" Jessica asked.

"Seriously, Jessica? I think you're fucked in the head! But…I guess the dress looks great, if you're going for the cheap hooker look," I answered. "If a fifth guy joins in, you could even add a tit job to your list considering how tight and low cut that dress is."

"You said that about the last five dresses though."

"Well, they all make you look pretty much like a slut…so what's the diff?" I challenged (and who goes for satin these days? It wrinkles like a bitch and shows every lump and bump, people!)

"You're not really into this, are you?" Angela said sadly.

"Group sex in a lavender satin dress? Depends on who's asking. Speaking of, I really just wanna go to that porn slash bookstore and get me some new toys. Maybe get into a bit of trouble on the way back because I'm dumb enough to travel the backstreets to get to the restaurant. How about we meet there in a few? Attempted rape always makes me hungry."

"Are you sure? I mean really…you come all the way here only to go all whiney and emo on us until you see those guys out there and then go on and on about group sex? You really are a selfish, horny bitch, aren't you?" Jessica snipped.

"Yeah, yeah , tell me something I don't know. Anyway, I'll see you in a minute," I said.

"She's right, though, this looks awesome." I rolled my eyes at Jessica as I left the two of them, figuring they'd have more fun if I wasn't there, maybe get each other off in the change room.

The next thing I know I'd bought a new blood red rabbit as well as one of the books I'd researched on Quileute legends. I wasn't just a horny bitch. I was also just as determined to find out more about the Cullen jizz that Jake had told me about.

"There you go. You have yourself a good night, now," the generic, book store keeper said.

"Thanks. Someone stole my other toy…so," he just smiled as he handed me my change.

It wasn't long after I walked out of the store that I knew I was being watched. Or, was that just the stupid director's way of making the shot come across as arty? Anywho, I made sure that if anyone was there, lurking in the bushes, they would see what I was packing as I shoved the book in my bag and brandished the toy, walking with it out in front of me much like I would if I was holding a light sabre.

I mean, if you wanted to be gang-banged in the backstreets of Port Angeles, there was no harm in advertising. And then, to my delight, two of the guys I saw earlier herded me into the parking lot at the back of some factories while the other two approached from the front.

Well alrighty then! Finally…I'm gonna get me some action!

"Saw you in the dress store. Hey, where you running to?" Guy one asked.

"There she is," Guy two said.

"Whoa," Guy three shouted.

"Yo, how you guys doin? Sounds good. Hey, whoa whoa whoa, where are you goin?" Guy one said, his words making no sense at all.

Guy three stood there, a look of pleading in his eyes. "Where are you goin? My friend here needs to prove he's straight, and since you're here alone, you'll do."

"You don't get a date. Whatever the fuck that line means. Hang out with us," Guy one said.

"Come on, please?" Guy three said.

"She's my type, man. Well, if she had a dick she sure would be," Guy four said.

Guy one then turned toward guy four and said, "Pretty."

No. Fuckin'. Way!

Not these guys too!

I could see how this was gonna go down now, and I had to admit I was disappointed. I could sense the gay undertones in their behavior, but was so horny that I was willing to make do with the situation anyway. It was obvious that they were trying to prove to themselves that they were straight instead of admitting they were anything but, so I decided to improvise, at least get a couple of them to hump or…maybe peg one of them. After all, the woman writing this sure loves her slash and poly stories!

"Touch me," I encouraged, just needing to confirm my suspicions.

"Cute. She thinks you dig her!" Guy three said to guy one.

It seems that my assumption was unfortunately, correct.

"Okay then, touch him!" I said as I pointed toward Guy four before I raised my hand and slapped Guy one across the face with the red rabbit.

"Ow! Has that thing got steel ball bearings in it or some shit?" Guy one asked as he rubbed his jaw.

"How'd you guess," I answered with a smirk. "Now I know you think that pretending to be about to attack me just so you can deny your homosexual feelings is what you think you want, but I'd like to help you guys come out. So…who's first?" I said as I switched on the vibe and pulled out a sachet of lube that I just happened to have in my pocket, causing the four of them to stand there, gobsmacked.

Before I could even make a move to get down to business, of course, a familiar car screeched around the corner and came to a stop right near where we stood. Yep, it was Stalkerward, and as ever, his timing was impeccable…not!

"Get in the car," Edward commanded as he got out of his car and stalked forward, his jaw clenched and fists balled as he approached.

"That was a very dangerous maneuver. Hahahahah! Would you look at the attempted scary face that this freak is trying to make?" Guy four said as Edward stood before them. From my vantage point I couldn't see the look he was going for, but either way, nobody dissed my man!

Deciding that enough was enough, I got in the car and glared at all of them before I tore the pack of lube open and spread it over the toy before gripping the shaft and pumping it furiously. They backed off, their amused faces suddenly turning into expressions of horror as I wordlessly told them what I planned to do to them unless they backed off. Edward got into the car, thinking it was him that scared them, and as he nearly ran them over before turning and speeding away, I wasn't about to burst his bubble.

"I should go back there and rip those guys' heads off. Or rip the head off your toy…or their dicks...or something," Edward said, fuming.

I just managed to suppress my laughter. "Um...no, you shouldn't."

"You don't know the vile, repulsive things they were thinking."

"And you do? Ooooh please tell me,' cos I think they were gay! Am I right?" I said excitedly.

"It's not hard to guess that they were. Can you talk about something else? Distract me so I won't turn around?" he asked.

"Okay. You should put your seat belt on. Or I could put on a strap on when we get back to my place if you like."

"Ha-ha... you should put your seat belt on. And as far as a strap on goes…well…I don't think so." Before I had the chance to blink, he had snatched the lubed up toy from my hand and switched it off before opening the window and chucking it out.

"Hey!" I protested. "You just cost me sixty bucks!"

"I just saved you from future sexual frustration…because when you finally get your hands on the real deal, all your toys will be gathering dust, I promise you."

"Real deal? Ooooh, when?" I asked, feeling a smile crack my face in two. He didn't answer. Instead we suddenly found ourselves parked and outside the restaurant where a pouting Jessica and Angela approached, waiting for an explanation.

"Hey, you guys I'm sorry I just…" I trailed off. I really didn't owe them an explanation, even though the script said I should look contrite.

"Where were you! We left you messages," Angela said. More than anything I wanted to check in my pocket for a phone to see if that was true, but since me doing that wasn't in the script (yet another ridiculous omission to explain why I didn't realize these two bitches were actually worried about me) I…didn't. Seriously, if these two were that worried, why not call the cops? Or at least try to find me at the bookstore! This script sucks ass!

"Yeah, we waited, but we were starving, and you know how I like to purge before bedtime, so we…" Jessica said, stopping mid-sentence. What was with all these half-spoken sentences? Have people lost the art of speaking the English language without shortening every fucking thing? I mean…WTF! SMH! LMAO!

"Um, I'm sorry I kept Bella from watching you scarf your food down. Feel free to vomit in the gutter now if you feel the urge. We just ran into each other and got talking," Edward said. Cue the sexy, panty-dropping smile. Gah!

"No, we totally understand. That happens, right? I mean, you don't give me the time of day, Edward…but whatever," Jessica huffed.

"We were…" Angela began, a guilty look crossing her face. FFS! Finish your sentence, woman!

Jessica sensed my frustration and added, "Yeah, we were just leaving. Goes to show you how much we care about you considering we were willing to just go home without even trying to find your sorry ass, but we had to follow the script."

Just as I thought!

"So, um, Bella, now that you're actually okay and with us apparently not caring if you were lying in the gutter dead somewhere, and you're the envy of every guy at school and we'd like nothing more than to keep you away from Edward for as much as possible, you want to?" Angela asked.

Was she kidding? Back off, biatch!

"I think I should make sure Bella gets something to eat. If you'd like. I'll drive you home myself," Edward offered. I nodded, my mouth falling open and saliva pooling at the thought of what I'd like to be eating right now, and as I stared down at his twitching cock, let's put it this way…eating mushroom ravioli was the last thing on my mind.

After the bopsy twins declared how thoughtful Edward was, while eyeing his cock themselves, a pang of jealousy raged through me. I knew that we needed to get away from them, 'cos I had some serious chowing down to do.

"Yeah, I should eat something," I said with a wink, my eyes darting toward Edward's dick as I licked my lips.

That statement sent the two of them on their way and as we turned and headed toward the restaurant, I wondered if a little footjob under the table was in order. I was also trying to decide if the head of Edward's cock looked more like a mushroom or a piece of ravioli...

**A/N: Is anyone still here? Lol. Let me know!**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Hey folks! Sorry about the delay in posting this…but I was having a little trouble with this chapter. Hope its ok! (not sure it's that funny?) **

**Thanks to all of you for your patience! This chapter is for a couple of friends on FB who have been having a tough time. You know who you are…and I hope this cheers you up. **

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine. Darn it!**

**CHAPTER 25 – BALL SACS WITH SLICED PEEN AND JIZZ SAUCE**

We were then sitting down in the restaurant, the song playing in the background making me snicker. "Seriously…whoever the fucker is singing this song sounds like he's drunk! What the fuck is he saying anyway?"

"Goes to show you how much you know about art," he muttered, a little agitated, in reply. "You have no idea, do you?"

"That's art?" I blew a raspberry in his direction, spraying my spit all over his face, right before adding, "I'd hardly call someone singing with a pole up his butt and a mouthful of ping pong balls art! In fact, I'd rather hear someone fart the national anthem than listen to this garbage!"

"Hey, do you mind not insulting my music? I had no idea when I recorded this how popular the movie would be, or I never would have agreed to do it!" he complained, indignant, the anger pouring off him as he folded his arms.

"Oh my God! That's you?" I squeaked. Oh shit, Bella…way to charm the guy. He's sure to wanna bone you now after you've insulted his musical prowess.

"Yes," he admitted, clearing his throat as he stared at the table, appearing embarrassed, though he didn't blush one bit. "And you best get used to it…because in a scene near the end of this movie another one of my songs appears…and so help me if you laugh…"

"Hahahahahh!" I laughed.

"Shutup!" he growled, seething.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry. The soundtrack is insignificant as far as this movie goes…it's not like it has any impact on the popularity of the movie or anything. It's just so much background noise," I answered assuredly, trying to make him feel better in my own obtuse way, snickering at the same time.

He rolled his eyes as the weird looking waitress arrived, licking her chops as she stared at Edward like he was something to eat.

"Alright, one mushroom ravioli," she said as she placed the dish in front of me. "Or as we like to call it, ball sacs with sliced peen and jizz sauce." She shot Edward a wink and then stared at me disdainfully. Was this chick with the weird-assed 50's 'do for real? I mean, don't get me wrong, I soooo liked the names of the menu items, but was she seriously hitting on Edward? Would I have to beat her off with one of my breadsticks here?

"Thanks," I growled, wanting to shove said breadstick where the sun don't shine…

"So are you sure there isn't anything I can get for you?" Oh fuck off wouldya?

"No, no thanks. And quit it with the thoughts of covering me in jizz sauce and licking it off me…ain't gonna happen…okay?" Edward hissed.

"Well if you change your mind, let me know," she said boldly, and I seriously considered stabbing her in the eyeball with my fork as those words left her mouth.

Instead, I stabbed a piece of mushroom and said, "You're really not gonna eat? I mean, if you wanna save your appetite for something…err…later I'm all for it…but this jizz sauce is actually pretty good. You should try some," I said as I took a mouthful.

"No, I'm on a special diet," he answered, licking his lips as he watched me eat. Playing it up a bit, I took another bite of food, then swirled my tongue around the fork, cleaning every bit of sauce up. "Fuck," he moaned as he watched me carefully.

Oh yeah, he was sooo gone over me!

"You gotta give me some head…err I mean answers," I said distractedly, watching as his tongue poked out and he licked his lips.

_Mommy!_

"Yes…I want to fuck you. No…I don't know how to because I'm a virgin, and even though it makes no sense I don't know shit considering what thoughts fly through my head every day, it's the way the story was written. Oh and…to get to the other side…is why the human crossed the road, though personally I think it was to get away from someone like me. Oh and, uh, 1.77245…just throwing that in there to make you feel intellectually inferior _again_," he rattled off, groaning as he spoke, making absolutely no sense at all.

"I don't want to know what the square root of pi is, I wanna know why you want to fuck me but won't. I don't give a damn if you're a virgin, because I know you want me…" I said confidently, all the while wondering if the huge assed limb I just went over would break just like the outside my bedroom window did.

"You knew that?"

"What…the pi thing? Jesus Christ, Edward! Of all the things I said, you decide to focus on the fact that I'm not as 'special' as you thought and can actually solve a math problem? What about all the other stuff I said?"

"Not in the script," he shrugged.

I sighed. "Alright, I'll just pretend to ignore the fact that you insulted my intelligence _yet again _and fucking stick to the script then. How did you know where I was?"

_Please say you followed me...please please please! Nobody's really made it in Hollywood until they have their own personal stalker!_

"I didn't," he answered.

"Alright," I said, placing my fork down and getting up to leave. I was tired of him keeping shit from me. Plus, I loved it when I could act like a two year old and get paid for it. I knew he'd followed me…I mean how else would he know where I was? It wasn't like he was a fucking sniffer dog or some shit! Or…was he?

"Wait! Don't leave!" he commanded in a dominant voice.

_Whatcha gonna do if I do? Spank me? Oohhhh yesssss!_

My hoohoo drooled. Yeah, it actually oozed a bit, too as my thoughts digressed to the dark side. I could sooo picture me being a submissive for him. I'd read my fair share of them on fanfic, and holy hell Edward in a pair of low slung jeans, bare chested and barefoot, circling around me as I knelt before him, naked, head down, tits out, knees open… *author smiles, pleased at having included yet another fanfic staple in this stupid fucking story*

I shook my head, trying to remember what I was supposed to say next, my thoughts all over the place as I realized what a fucking pervert the woman writing this story was. I mean…seriously, she has no boundaries, reading and writing BDSM, slash, horror…lamely attempted humour *author scowls*

"Anyway…back to the story. Did you follow me? Cos you know, there are laws against stalking…but I don't mind…because along with about three quarters of the female population aged ten to fifty, I'm apparently obsessed…"

"Yeah, I know…you can't help it. The fact that it doesn't bother you really makes your character seem unbelievable…but that's how you were written. Anyway, I guess if I had to answer without your dad arresting me, I guess I'd have to say I feel very…protective of you. Not a stalker at all. Well, technically I guess you could say I am…but…no I'm…err not?"

"Oh my own stalker! So you followed me?" I squealed in delight.

"I was trying to keep a distance unless you needed my help and then I heard what those low-lives were thinking."

"Wait. You say you heard what they were thinking? So what, you...you read minds?" Oh crap on a cracker! He fucking knows!

"I can read every mind in this room…apart from yours. There's...money…sex…money…sex…and eww…that hippy dude with the weird hair wants to do crazy shit with his cat!" I stared around the room following each person that he pointed out…and as the weirdo sighed wistfully, undoubtedly thinking about missing his poor little pussy, I shuddered, and also briefly wondered if I should call the ASPCA. "And then you, nothing. It's very frustrating. Oh, and emasculating since I know who was responsible for scaring the living shit out of those gay rapists back there…"

I knew it!

"So that means there's something wrong with me, right? I really am 'special'?" I said.

"You know you are! What other explanation could there be?"

"Well…maybe I've got a shield or some shit in my brain. You know…maybe I can block you without even knowing I'm doing it…because that's how evolved I am…"

"Evolved? Hahahahah! What a load of crap!" he laughed. "No…it's more likely that you've got brain damage from being dropped on your head…and a lot, I might add. Remember, I saw those x-rays of yours at the hospital…and know for a fact you're not right in the head!"

"Hey!" I said, scowling at him. He just laughed harder. "So this is a pity date or some shit? You know…dating the disabled woman in some sort of political statement?"

"Not at all. I have to date you. Besides being written in the script, do you know what it's like to be able to read the minds of everyone within a five mile radius? I mean, get real. If I ended up with anyone else on this planet, they'd be able to nag me verbally and mentally for the rest of fucking eternity."

"True that," I admitted. And shit…if being 'special' means I not only get Edward, but get to park in the disabled parking spaces, I'm all for getting a disabled sticker for the truck for sure!

"But please, for the love of God, could you dial the strawberry smell down a bit? I mean how many layers can you have of that shit? Strawberry body wash, shampoo, moisturiser. I bet you clean your teeth with strawberry toothpaste, am I right?" he added, wrinkling his nose.

"So that's why you hated my smell when we first met?"

"Err…yeah okay," he answered vaguely. Hmmm…

"But I rock that shit!"

"Whatever you say. Anyway, I'm just warning you that I'm going to continue to stalk you…okay? I mean, you won't know I'm there…cos I'm a stealthy motherfucker, but I'll be watching you. That won't creep you out, will it? I mean you were practically raped back there, so I figured it would be fine."

"Sure, I guess. I mean, I can't believe I'm not in shock, or at least reporting the attack to my dad. What the hell is with that? I guess I'm lucky though, cos those assholes can now get to prove their heterosexuality with someone else instead. I sure hope Jessica comes across them. I mean, how irritating can one person be? It's only right that she be killed off…or at least maimed in some way. She's not a main character, after all."

"I wouldn't count on Jessica being killed off, Bella. Unless you wanna count one dream sequence in the fourth movie…but other than that, she's here till the end…"

Damn! I'm not getting rid of her? Fuck her and her motorboat-worthy titties to hell!

"Anyway…according to the script…I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

"Then don't," I said, staring at him longingly, getting my close up, that stupid music still playing, his warbling nonsense probably spoiling my chances of an Oscar nomination.

I mean, seriously…if I don't get nominated…that would be why, wouldn't it?

WOUDN'T IT?

**A/N: *cringes and hides behind couch* Hit or miss? Hump or die? Flounce or keep going? Let me know! **


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: Hey folks! Sorry about the delay in posting this…but I was having a little trouble with this chapter. Thanks to all of you for your patience! **

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine. **

**CHAPTER 26 – FISH STICKS AND PEPPER SPRAYED ASS**

We got into his silver Volvo, and I couldn't help but snicker. I mean, what sort of wussy, hat wearing, dinner at four pensioner is he?

"What's so funny?" Edward asked as we drove pretty much in silence. I mean in the book there was a conversation I was sure, but nope, not in the movie. We're already in Forks, and I'm a little pissed that the drive home took seconds. Mind you the asshole was speeding. I briefly wondered if he had to pee.

"You realize you're driving an old person's car, don't you?"

"I'll have you know that Volvos have the best safety rating and…"

"Yada yada yada," I said mockingly, cutting him off, pinching my fingers together, my hand imitating a yapping mouth. "From what I can guess, your family's loaded. Why a Volvo? Why not a Porsche or some shit?"

"Alice's car. Well, after she thinks you throw yourself off a cliff anyways…"

"Huh?" I asked. Surely I'm not being killed off! Melissa? Where the fuck _WAS she_? I looked around, but because we were in the car, essentially driving, I didn't wanna spoil the shot by getting out of a supposedly moving vehicle. But mark my words, heads will roll if I'm being killed off!

"Just focus on the script, will you? You keep distracting me!" he complained.

"Okay, whatever. I think I'm warm enough, now that steam is coming out of my ears because I'm apparently committing suicide!" I growled as we both reached for the heater at the same time and our hands touched. Edward withdrew his hand immediately, as if I'd burned him or something. Well shit, his hand was cold, but freezer burn wasn't likely...was it?

"Just relax. You don't have to worry about the depression and shit until the next movie. Now concentrate!" he hissed. I was annoyed that he didn't deny I was gonna kick the bucket. NOT. HAPPY. MELISSA!

"Shit, Edward! Your hand is so cold!" I complained as my eyes darted to his pained expression, trying to stay on track with the story, and as soon as I saw the look on his face, my anger disappeared in an instant. "What the fuck? You look like you're constipated! Hahahahahh!" Why on earth I was focusing on his expression instead of his ice cold and rock hard fingers had me beat. I mean, seriously? Of course logic would tell you I'd wanna know why Edward's fingers were like human versions of fish sticks just out of the freezer, just like his Dad's, but nooooo! I had to go off half-cocked yet again!

"I'll have you know, that's me looking fearful and full of anguish! Unlike you, miss 'total of two facial expressions' I have range!" he retorted. Before I could offer any kind of argument, because let's face it, he was probably right, and besides that, I was imagining what it would be like to have his cold digits in my pussy, wondering if they would stick to my lips like a warm tongue on a frozen steel pole, pondering if that scenario would ever come into play if I gave him a BJ...I spotted a commotion in the parking lot of Forks police station. That, and I scowled at the author for using way too many commas and not breaking that last sentence up. *Author pokes tongue out at Bella*.

"Whoa, what is going on? My dad's still here. Can you pull in?" I asked, jealous that someone else was getting to ride with a siren on, ignoring the immature behaviour of the woman writing this.

"There's my father's car on the end. What is he doing here?" Edward asked as we both got out of car.

"You don't fucking know? I thought you could read minds! Or were you shittin' me? " I said, pissed that yet again, the script sucked ass.

"It wasn't a lie, but with the way this script is, let's just roll with it. I mean, nobody's gonna pick it to pieces, are they? ARE THEY?" *Author nods and smiles*. Edward shrugged and rolled his eyes. He knew how bad it was too, but also knew this movie was his ticket to the big time and had to stick to the script.

As Carlisle emerged from inside the station and headed toward us, Edward asked, "Carlisle, what's going on?"

Carlisle sighed and answered, "Waylon Forge was found in a boat near his place. I just examined the body."

"He died?" Externally I was showing my attempt at concern and shock. Internally, I was happy that it wasn't just a dream that the sick bottle lovin' pervert was gone, and surprised that he'd actually died where I'd dreamed he did! Oh, and I was also annoyed that Edward didn't already know what was going on without Carlisle having to spell it out. "How?"

"Animal attack," Carlisle answered as he stared at Edward intensely. Oh no fuckin' way! Edward's reading his mind _now, _and completely leaving me out of the loop? Listen here you two…I'm the star of this here movie, and you will not hide anything from me!

I glanced at Edward, watching them communicate in silence as they held their own little 'stare off'. Well wouldn't this be a fun activity at parties? NOT!

"Um, hello? Not all of us are mind readers, ya know! Now, was it the same one that got that security guard at the Mason or something else, 'cos I seriously had this weird assed dream about a sexy little redhead and two guys and a boat..." I rambled.

Carlisle sighed again, and answered, giving Edward that stare again before he said, "Most likely."

"Most likely what? Animal? Lesbo coat wearing woman with two gay cohorts attacking him in a boat?" I pressed.

Carlisle shook his head and refused to answer, giving Edward that look again.

"Helllooooo? Do you two know how rude it is to not include me in this conversation? I am the star of this little Indie flick if you'll recall. Now use your words and quit it with the mind reading!" I demanded. Was this what I had to look forward to if I ended up in a relationship with Edward? Him giving everyone his stupid 'I know something you don't know' expression while he picks apart everyone's thoughts twenty-four-seven? Holy shit, this was gonna be soooo annoying!

"Sorry, Bella," Edward said with a smirk.

"I bet you are. Annnnyway…it must be getting closer to town then. Whatever 'it' is," I added, using air quotes. With the looks on their faces, I knew they were keeping something from me, but yet again, I was bound to keep my mouth shut because of the stupid script.

"Bella, you should go inside. Waylon was your father's friend…and his first crush," Carlisle suggested.

"Okay," I conceded like an obedient puppy as I walked up stairs, before I turned around and added, hoping he'd take the hint and turn up at my house, "Um, I'll see you later."

I was royally pissed that Waylon's stupidity ended my date with Edward all too soon, and all I could hope was that he'd continue to stalk me and we'd get some serious alone time tonight. Why was it that everything seemed to distract me from getting my thang on with him? Was this town filled with nothing but gay people and cockblockers? Oh and one dead child molester? Or was it something more sinister at work here, like a heavily religious author who writes teenagers unrealistically, just so she can cater to the pre-teen demographic?

Fuck if I knew, but I sure as hell was gonna find out! As I headed into Charlie's office, knowing that a poignant scene was coming, I ignored all the nagging questions and instead tried to get into the right mindset.

Yeah, I was da bomb!

"Hey," I said, trying to hug him without it come off all awkward while at the same time convey my most sympathetic expression. Jesus, apparently I was 'special'! I can't fucking do two things at once, just like I can't walk and chew gum at the same time! What the hell?

"Hey," he answered, wriggling in his seat. I withdrew my touch and stared at him, wondering what the hell was going on, until it hit me. Jesus, not another butt plug! I think my father seriously needed an intervention.

"Dad, I'm really sorry. Is the plug bothering you?" I asked, trying to be understanding while attempting to force a tear out of my eye. Shit, no luck there! This 'two things at once' thing is harder than it looks!

"I'm wearing the first plug I ever bought…just for him. Known him and this little toy going on thirty years. Don't worry, we're gonna, we're gonna find this thing. In the meantime I want you to carry this with you. It's kind of why my ass is burning right now," he said, barely holding back his emotions as he handed me a can of pepper spray and I stared at him incredulously.

"You pepper sprayed your butt?" I asked as I held back a laugh. I mean, this was supposed to be a serious scene, but Jesus! This was pushing things beyond even _my _limits!

"Yeah. Damned thing burns like a motherfucker too. I guess in my grief I mistook it for the pump pack of lube I had in the same desk drawer. " Tears began to stream down his eyes as he hissed in agony, but I had to admire him. He wasn't about to give up wearing that toy, no matter how much it pained him to do so. Now that's dedication!

"I don't really…want to touch..."

"It will give your old man some peace of mind. The containers kind of look similar, and that way I won't mix them up again."

I had to agree, and took the can from him, the faint smell of ass and pepper causing my nose to wrinkle. I mean, my own ass smell, just like my farts, I can handle, but not someone else's! Well, except for Edward's, anyways. Why was that? And what did Charlie do? Shove the can up there completely? This thing stank to high heaven! And ewwww! Was that a pube on the nozzle? Throwing up in my mouth a little, I placed the can in my jeans pocket and sniffed my ass tainted fingers, knowing I'd have to scrub my body with a steel wool before I burned my jeans.

"Let's go home. I seriously need to douche, and I'm sure you wanna wash that ass smell off," he said as he wiped his eyes and gingerly stood to his feet. I briefly wondered if Charlie was a mind reader as well, cos he was dead on the money!

As we walked outside and down the stairs, I watched as the paramedics pushed Waylon's corpse past us, my whole dead on the money thing making me chuckle. As I spotted his toe-tagged, pale feet, the image of Edward popped into my head. Why the fuck seeing a dead man reminded me of him, I had no idea. Maybe it's because he's cold, just like that corpse. Maybe it's because life's too short or some shit. Or maybe it's because Edward knows more than he's letting on.

But as I stood there, pondering further, it hit me, thankfully only in the literal sense, like a bolt from the blue. Of course! It's sooo obvious! I've just discovered I have a foot fetish!

Or was it something more disturbing? Was I, in fact, actually into dead people?

Nahhhh!

**A/N: Ya still with me? *runs and hides***


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Sorry it's taken an age to update, but I've been a busy bee! As always there's no way of predicting when I will add to this, but enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own. Not one sparkly peen be mine.**

**CHAPTER 27 - DREADED DISEASES AND MIRROR BALLS**

It was an age before I got home (and I'm talking months because the author hasn't updated in so long) and as I booted up my clunker of a computer, I leafed through the book I bought at the store.

I didn't find anything about Cullen jizz, but what I _did _find, however, was mention of the Cold Ones, with a picture of a mask with a row of sharp teeth. Well I had no idea about what the mask was all about, but decided to Google the Cold Ones since Edward and his Dad were like a pair of giant popsicles.

Apotamkin and Egypt come up. The words undead, speed, strength, drank blood and vampire flashed before my eyes as well as some kinky, weird assed pictures of demons and dismemberment.

"Vampire. As if!" I scoffed, shaking my head. Honing in on the speed and strength, I turned my research to steroid abuse and medical conditions, while at the same time a thought occurred to me as to why he came across so different. He wasn't the average Junior. On top of the fact he had strange physical attributes, he was soooo much more mature than the other boys, and I was determined to find out why that was…

~SPTD~

After turning up at school and passing Edward in slo-mo, the haunting music in the background conveying that something big was about to go down, I headed for the forest adjoining the school, thrilled that my stalker was following me. After all, I needed to make him see that he needed help, and fast, because as far as I could see, if the drugs he was on didn't kill him, the various diseases he had would!

Chucking my backpack on the ground, I faced away from him, my moment of intervention arriving as the music cut out.

Oscars, here I come!

"You're impossibly fast, and strong. Your skin is...pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change color. And sometimes you speak like you're from a different time…like 2003 or something. You never eat or drink anything. You don't go out in the sunlight. How old are you?"

"Seventeen," he answered.

"And how long have you been seventeen?" I asked, his medical conditions no doubt making him look older than he actually was. Well, that, or he'd been held back several times in school. I mean, seriously? He looked like he was at least twenty two!

"A while…"

Just as I thought!

"I know what you are," I said.

"Say it…out loud," he demanded.

"You're a twenty two year old looking, mind reading steroid taking emo who I'm sure has some dreaded eye disease and probably already has Achrestic anemia, a side effect from having cold skin. Which by the way you should get looked at because it can kill you," I answered, my words tumbling out in one breath.

"A what?" he asked, incredulous.

"You heard me!" I snapped.

"Oh, Bella. You are so off the mark it's ridiculous! Talk about dumb!" he quipped, turning me around to meet his diseased eyes.

"Hey, I'm not dumb! I've tried to explain away your unusual constitution with logical answers, you dick! You have mind reading abilities, well I'll give you that…but you also show signs of some serious medical conditions as well!"

"I'm not sick," he said with an eye roll.

"Well, that's debatable," I retorted.

"You know what I mean…"

"Alright, smart-ass, then enlighten me…if you're not dying of about a hundred different diseases, what the fuck is with your weird-assed symptoms?"

"I'd rather show you," he said, gripping my elbow and dragging me up the mountain for several steps before slinging me over his shoulder and running so fast I wondered why he wasn't in the Olympics. Of course. It was the 'roids. You can't take that shit and not have it show up in pee tests. And with how fast he was running, I knew he'd been to Costco to buy them in bulk.

Stumbling a little, feeling quite impressed that he'd managed to carry a heifer like me all the way up the mountain and past the cloud bank, as he set me down on the mossy ground, he began to walk toward a spot at the top of the mountain where the sun streamed through, slowly stripping off his coat as he stepped into the beams of light, facing away from me.

"This is why we don't show ourselves in the sunlight," he said.

"Well, alright! A strip tease! Now this is more like it! Wooop!" I shouted, clapping my hands excitedly as he turned and began unzipping his pants before pulling out his perfectly proportioned cock. A cock that, I realized, fucking sparkled! He then removed his shirt. I think. But as I couldn't take my eyes off his peen, it took a while to register.

"Oh my God!" I gasped, taking him in, in all his glory.

"Yeah, I tried to tell you. So, what do you think? Am I impressive or what?"

"Fuck yeah!" It was then that one thought after another flew through my apparently dimwitted mind as I tried to figure out exactly how he rocked that so well, concluding there was only one explanation. "So you've had some special allover designer tattoo done? That's soooo cool! Now if only we could somehow harness the sun and channel it inside the school hall, your nuts could be the mirror balls at Prom!" I rambled.

"Jesus Christ, Bella…you're unbelievably stupid, you know that, right? And the whole mirror ball thing? Not happening. Anyway, you're wrong. Again. Care to hazard another guess?" he asked snippily.

"Um…" What the hell? Well this was proving more difficult than figuring out how to use Facebook timeline! And don't get me started on that whole Pottermore thing!

"Well?" he pressed.

"I honestly don't have a clue," I admitted with a shrug, licking my lips as he tugged slowly on his shimmering tool.

"Oh for fuck's sake, I'm a vampire, of course. You were _supposed _to figure that little fact out last night, but obviously with how stupid you are, once again I had to spell it out for you!"

As I stared at him incredulously, poking my tongue out with indignation while at the same time wanting more than anything to wrap said tongue around his bejewelled junk, I thought back to last night when I did my research, recalling how quickly I'd dismissed whole idea of vampires, never recalling one damned thing about ones that sparkled in the sun!

I mean, being an emo with an unhealthy fascination with blood I totally got. Look at Angelina Jolie with that vial of blood thing around her neck she had going on when she was married to that old dude! But Edward Cullen being able to carry off the whole undead immortal vampire thing? No freaking way! Other than picturing him chowing down on my neck in some sort of subtle sexually charged fantasy last night (but a PG rated one, unfortunately), the possibility of him being a blood sucking demon was preposterous!

Wasn't it?

He just didn't fit into the whole scary bloodsucking mold…at all!

Squinting as I studied him, wishing I'd brought my Ray Bans so I wouldn't go blind, his serious expression telling me he wasn't yanking my chain but merely his dick, I considered the facts.

He has no fangs. Vampires _always_ have fangs. Or were they the retractable type?

"Do you have fangs?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Not in the technical sense, but I do have sharp teeth."

"Impressive," I said sarcastically. So he had…teeth. Sharp ones. _Big fuckin' deal!_

Then there's the whole sun thing. Even though he avoids the sun (which I totally get 'cos I bet he'd burn in like five seconds with the way those little diamondy things in his skin attracted light) he's standing in the sun right now and he's still alive, which flies against the face of every vampire story I've ever read. Shouldn't he be turning into a pile of ash by now?

"So the sun doesn't destroy you?"

"Duh!" he retorted, rolling his pee eyes as he stood there under the warm rays, looking like a big, tall, delicious but delusional glow stick.

Then, of course, there's the whole sparkly thing. What fucking vampire in the history has ever sparkled? None that I could see being taken seriously in a story if they wanted to write a bestseller, that's for sure!

"Okay then, what about the fact that you have a sparkly peen, and err…other bits? No other vampire in history has ever had one of those!"

"I have no idea. Personally, I think it was a mistake to write me like that, but for whatever reason, I've been tarred and feathered in glitter. Got a problem with that?"

"Guess not, but don't you see how unbelievable this is?"

"What will it take for you to see? This is the skin of a killer, Bella," he shouted, stomping his feet before walking toward me, buttoning up his shirt and zipping his pants as he stepped out of the light and approached.

Aww damn! I wanted to touch the sparkly peen and see if it felt like sandpaper!

Ignoring his temper tantrum while trying to focus on the matter at hand rather than jumping his gleaming ass, I pressed on.

"Look, Edward, I really _want _to believe you, but I can't see any similarity between you and what the legends say. For example, with that sequinned, hard skin of yours, I can't imagine anyone being able to drive a wooden stake through your heart! Care to explain?" I challenged.

"No, wooden stakes are a definite waste of time. And before you ask, garlic and crosses don't work, and neither does holy water. But it doesn't mean I'm not a vampire!" he pouted, irritated.

"But can't you understand why I'm finding this a little hard to swallow?" I asked, licking my lips, my eyes darting downward, not minding one bit if he wanted me to swallow something else.

"Hahah. Don't look at my dick like that! There'll be no swallowing here today, unless of course I decide!" he stated.

I snorted. "Oh, is the big scawy vampiwe fwightened of widdle ol me?" I teased in a babyish voice, teasing him as I moved closer and palmed his dancing peen.

"I…" he moaned, closing his eyes.

Sensing weakness, I moved closer still, and he held his breath in response. Quickly sniffing under my arms, I shrugged and kept my eyes on the prize, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

"Okay, then, Edward, so let me get this straight. You are a vampire, but you don't have fangs, the sun doesn't kill you but instead makes you sparkle like a gay boy at Mardi Gras, no known ways of destroying a vampire work on you, and you have piss colored eyes. Now I get you've got the whole cold skinned, strength and speed thing down, but I need more convincing that you aren't some steroid addict with a sparkly tattoo," I said as I worked his zipper open and slid my hand inside his pants…

**A/N: Anyone still out there? **


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Well since I've had a couple of wines and it's a Friday night, the mood struck to add to this. And with that in mind, I bring you my latest instalment of madness.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

**CHAPTER 28 – STRAWBERRY AIN'T COOL**

Gripping my hand and holding it still, he said through clenched, apparently razor sharp teeth, "Oh I'm nothing but sparkly vampire, inside and out, believe you me."

"Okay, then prove it," I challenged. "Let me see proof of the legends I've heard so much about…you know…sample a bit of that sparkly jizz you've supposedly spread all over town."

"You…knew about that?" he asked, that bushy monobrow raised in unison.

"Yep. So, Edward, what'll it be? Shit, or get off the pot?"

"I don't shit," he said with a shake of his head, his fro waving in the breeze and looking like a slinky.

"Nah, really? Well, that's kinda weird…but convenient. Oh and don't get me started if there ever comes a day where you wanna do anal. No douching required!" I laughed, another thought occurring to me. "Oh hang on…with how metal hard your skin is…would there be any…err…_give _down there? Cos you seriously need to do a lot of preparation before you can take it up the ass."

"Why the hell are you talking to me about the mechanics of anal vampire sex? Jesus, Bella, how am I supposed to explain to our captive audience that though we are stone-like and can shatter by another vampire's hand, apparently my orifices have the miraculous ability to stretch around all kinds of stuff? You just need to let these things slide, or people are gonna think this movie is a joke, okay?" he groused as he pulled my hand away.

"Why the hell should I? Unlike you, who accepts every fucked up thing that goes on around here like it's normal, I'm at least asking questions that don't get addressed, ya know!"

"Whatever. Speaking of the script, for the love of god, can we get back to it, please?" he begged.

"You seriously wanna stick to the script and not go down the lemon route? Don't you know we're losing readers because of the ridiculous amount of UST? Doesn't that Meyer woman know about the advent of Tumblr and online porn? The way I see it, you at least owe me a mutual masturbation session, or I'm telling you, the readers will either hit that little x button…or come after the woman writing this with pitchforks!" I shouted.

"I…can't. Don't you see? I have a killer peen!" he exclaimed, pointing toward his swollen crotch.

"I don't believe you," I challenged. I mean, as impressive as his glittery schlong was…it sure as hell wasn't a lethal weapon. Was it?

"That's because you believe the lie. Camouflage. My peen is the world's most dangerous predator. Everything about my cock invites you in. Its girth, the way it dances when it's near your pussy, even its smell. And as if I'd need any of that, considering the way I look…oh and the dumb as shit, Amazonian slut you are," he said as he pulled out his cock once more and began to stroke it slowly.

I licked my lips as I spotted a thick pearl of sparkly pre-come seep through the slit and dribble down his length, its smell better than all my strawberry products combined, its consistency the same as silver glitter lube.

"As if you could outrun me," he said, groaning as his strokes became harder. "As if you could jack me off." He then tore a giant branch off a tree, licked it and then unceremoniously shoved it inside a vagina-like looking crevice in a tree trunk. His actions caused the trunk to crack, and sap to leak from it profusely, the whole damn thing turning me on like you would not believe.

"You do know that those trees are protected, right? You trying your hand at deforestation or some shit?"

"Nope, just letting you know what you're in for if you ever partake of my sparkly junk. It could very well split you in two, or be the best experience you've ever had. Either way, you'll be ruined for whatever remains of your natural life!"

"Oh, puhlease…are you telling me that giant branch is supposed to represent your thing? Seriously? Jeez, Edward, flattering your supposedly immortal self much?" I laughed.

"Maybe a little, but I bet with the toys you use the hole in that tree is a perfectly accurate representation of your wide and gaping strawberry scented vag! And will you get it into your head that I'm an immortal vampire and just move the fuck on?" And then, he placed his hand at his ear and listened. "What the hell? I can hear the wind whistling through your flaps from here!"

"Hey! I may be a little…large down there, but I'm not gaping! You'd know that if you ever touched me in any way! And you still haven't proved shit to me that you're a vampire, but considering you're driving me crazy with your whining about it, alright then. You're a no fang, sparkly, emo vampire. Happy?"

"Yes," he answered before he took off and ran about the meadow, and the fact that he was jacking and running simultaneously impressed me, considering men were hopeless at multitasking, and totally incapable of doing more than one thing at a time.

"Can you pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time too?" I yelled.

"No, but I can kill a deer and suck it dry, which is kind of the same thing," he answered, still running and jacking.

"You kill innocent animals? You do realise that killing Bambi isn't the best way to endear yourself to the under 13 Disney market, right? On top of that, I'm amazed that PETA hasn't been breathing down your neck, if you're going around, taking out the local wildlife!"

"It's either the wildlife, or you," he said with a booming laugh.

"Whatever, Edward. I'm shaking in my boots. Anyways, back to the subject of me out-wanking you any day of the week, you pansy-ass! Now bring that dick back here and let's get down to it!" I yelled in challenge.

And with that, in frustration, I unzipped my jeans before yanking them and my underwear down to my knees.

"Oh my god!" he squawked as he froze in his tracks, and took several steps toward me, my flaps rustled in the strengthening breeze.

"What's wrong?" I asked as my eyes darted between a gobsmacked Edward and my lower lips which looked like a row of curtains on opening night, a tiny farting noise coming from deep within my hole.

"Bella, is your pussy blowing a raspberry at me?" he asked. And just like looking at a car accident, his eyes fixed on my hoo-hoo, I smiled in realization, knowing he was helpless to tear his eyes away from my incredibly large maws. Yeah, those women who got collagen injections in their upper lips had nothing on my lower ones, and like a flag flapping proudly, my hoo-hoo was bared to him in all its glory.

"So? If you're so immortal and have all this strength and speed, why the hell are you so scared of touching my humongous floppy flaps anyway?"

"It's you…your scent. It's like a drug to me," he said before adding, "And if you weren't so heavy handed with the strawberry shit, I'd have been sorely tempted to be all up in that by now!"

"No kidding?" I questioned, disappointed that it appeared I'd have to give up my favourite products if I wanted to get anywhere with Edward.

"I wanted to kill you because of that horrendous fruity smell. You have no idea the war that was going on inside me…strawberry scent…delicious pussy scent. Hump or die. Get what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, I guess. But, I trust you."

"Don't."

"I'm here, and I trust you. And don't worry…the strawberry stuff? Gone as soon as I get home."

"I don't believe you. I think that strawberry stuff is your own personal brand of heroin," he complained.

"Well, I do love it. But I will give it up if it means we can get to do more."

"Oh, God! Seriously?" he moaned, closing his eyes and inhaling before coughing up a lung. "Eww! I can taste that shit on my tongue like a really bad fart!"

"Sorry," I said, disappointed, knowing no action was happening here today, tucking and zipping as he did the same. I smiled to myself, though, because as much as things hadn't gone further, I also realized that when the strawberry scent was finally gone, I'd be on him like white on rice.

"I know what you're thinking, and like I said, we're sticking to the script," he said, and I huffed in frustration.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind?" Shaking his head and laughing before he held his breath and pressed me up against a rock, resting his ice cold hand on my chest, his touch nearly sent me into a tailspin. Shit ladies, those fingers _are _long, aren't they? *author nods in approval*

"And so the sparkly peen fell in love with the gaping vag?" he asked, moving his face closer, nose wrinkling with disgust at my strawberryness.

"What a stupid minge."

"What a sick, masochistic, sparkly, dancing, sweet smelling appendage."

**A/N: Thoughts? I was tempted to giving them a lemon and finishing it here…but I resisted. Or rather, Edward did. Lol.**


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